scribbler
Jun 18, 2012

SPRING EVENING 1963

I remember chasing fire flies
way back in my childhood days
beneath the star-strewn southern skies
then, still unmarred by urban haze

After supper in late spring
when the heat of day had gone
listening to the dryflies sing
we'd dart and dodge on the front lawn

Once caught I'd put them in a jar
twelve or fifteen, even more
as train whistles drifted from afar
and bull frogs croaked from near pond's shore

Bare feet on the cool green grass
magnolias tinting the thick air
and whiffs of pungent sassafrass
we'd run without a single care

Soft music playing in the night
from open windows all around
the King and Hank could do it right
in capturing that southern sound

The whippoorwills would then join in
with plaintive urgent endless song
sweet memories for later when
it seems too many things went wrong

But way back then in Tennessee
all seemed right to one young boy
who later set the fire flies free
in that past time of perfect joy

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Did anybody miss me

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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Comments

judyanne

‘then, still unmarred by urban haze’ (I don’t think you need the comma here)

stan – I love your themes, but the meter really still is so jerky in places, it spoils the great rhyme and text, along with the reader’s concentration and interest

stanza 5 is great
‘And MUS | ic PLAY | ing IN | the NIGHT
from OP |en WIND |ows ALL | a -ROUND
the KING | and HANK | could DO | it RIGHT
in CAPT |ur -ING |that SOUTH | ern SOUND’ - perfect tetrameter

but the others are all slightly off
eg
‘Then WHIP |poor – WILLS | would JOIN |RIGHT IN
with their |URG -ent |END -less |SONG
sweet MEM |or –IES | for LAT |er WHEN
it SEEMS | too MA | ny THINGS | went WRONG’
- just an example, see how lines 2 is missing a syllable?
scansion is slightly out – but would not be as noticeable if the syllable count was more to a form….

love judy
xxxx

S

Now don't go taking offense as it's apparent Somebody needs to point out my rhythm miscues and you're far enough away to be safe in doing so lmao. Thanks for coming by and I'll keep nibbling away at this one to see if I can get it a bit closer to right..................stan

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 10 months ago

Wonderful words.. I know that what Judy says is correct but it is a lovely read.
I am of a time
when if things did rhyme.
Then all was well with the world.
Now they are so changed, we built Bridges of beautiful wood
Across the river that lasted a generation, now they want them of Cold steel
To last a thousand years, now I have run out of tears.
I will try to lift those steel girders
Write from others roots
Lay my quill down
I am out of time

Yours Ian.T

S

Funny you should mention bridges as I'm working on another poem about them lol. Thanks for dropping by...........stan