Tanka: # 1
A ghastly screw up
The blue flashing behind me
A dreaded ticket
Twenty five years clean record
Down the drain one split minute
Tanka: #2
Tell tale smell of death
Secrets, lies, deceit finds light
Troubled sea rises
Pains from past immoral acts
Roll back stone thus uncover
Tanka: # 3
Brain freeze like a rock
Won't allow decisiveness
Builds stress when I try
A blinding force guides my thought
When making clear decisions
Tanka: # 4
In pursuit of life
Daily tasks are challenging
Forgetfulness strong arms me
Pushing though this mental fog
Fighting memory losses
Comments
Barbara,
I can't say i know a lot about Tanka, but i think what you've done hear is great work. Others who know more will no doubt guide you from here, but i believe you've made a great start. Love Roscoe...
in order
Tanka: 1 So damn near! The first 2 lines set a scene, the rest becomes humdrum life.
Tanka: 2 Yep, nailed it here.
Tanka: 3 good first line, the rest becomes descriptive rather than expansive
Tanka: 4 just descriptive
Tanka 2 is tanka!
get the idea? We're not just writing prose in syllables, we are carving gems from raw words.
Okay Jess
it seem from your comment that description has no place in Japanes poetry.
because every word counts for so much
I just feel that merely descriptive is not enough, it needs to evoke an emotion, feeling or sense of something larger.
I'm not at all sure.
Im not at all sure what you want, so I think I'll let them stand as is for now. Simply too much thought and work to rewrite to your liking right now.
X0X0