judyanne

May 25, 2012

crystals fall sadly (tanka)

crystals fall sadly
seep, stain thirsty earth's parchment
lost drops break black tea
dampen trembling note in hands
tears falling outside and in

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

Comments

Like the second Tanka

"stain earths thirsty parchment"
"lost drop Breaks tea black"
"dampens trembling note in hand
as tears falling inside
and out"

just my changes Judyanne

I like your Title

thanks esker

i love your version xx

and thanks for the opinion
i think i prefer it that way too
love judy
xxx

lonnie !!! :)

you're supposed to tell me which version you like better :)
it isn't one poem it is two versions of one poem

thanks for the kind comments
love judy
xxx

the feedback makes this confusing

I see only one tanka, and there are 5 different revisions to compare.

The biggest fault in all, even to some extent up till the latest revision, is the tendency in English writing of Japanese forms to make them sound like a list of words. Esker seems to have helped a lot in improving that.

As it stands it is lovely, but to my ear doesn't quite ring with the crystal chime of perfectly coherent tanka.

thanks jess

yes, there is only one poem now, as I edited it with esker’s opinion – lol there didn’t seem to be any more coming and I respect his totally

i simply had two versions up = the same lines but in different order
- first one deleted sat 01.28

i’m neither familiar nor comfortable enough with Japanese form, jess, to alter the 5/7/5 format
- and therefore am a-feared to claim it as tanka when written as esker has … although I know I could… but I’m still learning

thanks for the crit – I’ll look at it again keeping your thoughts in mind re coherency
love judy
xxxx

Judy I read a lof of Japenese Hiaku

In high school
I was amased at the translation forms
the random use of words
to ecspress not only a different language
but culture and way of seeing things
But of course the most universal
passion was the Poetry itself talking

actually In Japanese or Russian the more
poorer the grasp of the language the more
poetic it becomes and sounds
as words are fitted that normally would
just naturally not be associated together
But in the "mash-ups" there is some
beautiful structures come out
TRANSLATIONS

Poets pursuit
thick hammer
beating wing thin
delicate meanings

xxx - you are so talented

thanks esker for the helpful info
lol – it would help a lot if one spoke Japanese

i am very new to the forms - hadn't really come across japanese much before i started writing poetry myself, only a couple of years now...
I understand the problems with translating the forms into English – language as ideology per se…
but lol – that doesn’t really help in the understanding of composition… it’s all hit and miss for me at the moment
xxx

This is onamatapeoic.

This is onamatapeoic.
Steven is right, when a Japanese writes to us in English,
what magical things happen, one's we would never have dreamed of.

I feel as if I was inside a mirror and then outside it,
seeing words and thoughts that jump me from one place to the other.
I didn't see that someone else had used mirror in a comment till now.

I only see one poem?

annanya.

thank you annanya

for the lovely comment,

there was originally two versions of this, this one decided on with esker's vote (for i too thought i preferred it)
so you see since the first two comments it has only been this one poem
the other version was just the other way around

lost drops break black tea
dampen trembling note in hands
crystals fall sadly
seep, stain thirsty earth's parchment
tears falling outside and in

lol - i've had to edit the title straight away after my recent advice to someone that these japanese forms don't use them
love and hugs
judyanne
xx

Judy

A great Tanka and I am not sure of the other forms it can take I will revise and see what if any there are from 5-7-5-7-7 I bet my view is tunnelled to what I first read. Yours Ian.T

Should this not be part of the workshop with Barbara ????

thank ian

as for other forms - jess and steven are talking about the western use of even less syllables in an attempt to have it more as japanese syllable count

this was submitted a while ago - before barbara's workshop. i haven't joined that - although watching it :)
what time i have is taken up with the rhyme crimes workshop

i haven't had a chance to read all your blog(s)s - have done so a couple - but with the tanka one did you note that the form of tanka should be arranged as two 'couplets' (5 /7 ... 5/ 7) ..and then a line bringing the two thoughts together (/7) ... ?

thanks for the read and comment
love judy
xxx

Judy

I know how you love couplets, so if there is a 5-7-5-7--7 it is still the same and may fit into your train of thought better with that all joining line at the end.
Thank you for your read and interest I wish that others would have the same drive, where is everyone ???? I think this workshop was due to start next week we will see what happens.
Take care of you out there, Yours Ian.T

Yet some more changes

"tears falling outside
and within"

this sounds more classical
and smoother to read

I could be wrong

like the way you write!