Rivers of darkness
Flow silently underground
Released to sunshine
Nurturing all it touches
Let us rejoice it runs free......
Yours tounge in cheek Yenti
Jun 05, 2012
Tanka (workshop)
About This Poem
Last Few Words: First Tanka ever and for me to learn new tricks is becoming a habit
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Ian
There are three ways to write tanka and you chose the 5/7/5/77 form, wonderful. What is that last line? I'm not sure how It fits. Other wise I like it.
Barbara
I am not going to say anything more than I sign off as Yenti in many of my poems and writings....
Regards Yenti (smiling to himself trying not to titter as Sparrow leans over and laughs at him)
Oh great
Great way to sign off
it was going so well!
give us a better last line
And tell me, you bastard,
why is it that you can count syllables competently in Japanese forms but count like a pinhead in meter?
Jess
Now come on this is better for a start
Maybe he's had a brain fart
As you know them so well
Make the Japanese syllables ring like bells.
Yours Sparrow. now look what you've done,
Ian.T has gone into his dark room again, no sun.
Maybe he will be around for the rest of the workshop
Now I have to pay a Witch Doctor because he's forgot. ... La LA