A drop of soul and dust did brew
The fruit of love was true
The delicate vessel I became
I carried alone our passion's flame
The breath of a dear one I did hold
I watched the magic unfold
That precious gift of unity
Of nature held then within me
Love-seeds under the starry sky
We sowed together...you and I
So why did you do this, tell me, why?
Why did you let our love tree die?
.....
What we crafted now asks of you
What do I say, what do I do?
I hold his hand and lead him there
Where our love-tree was first planted
Tears fill my eyes to find it bare
That spot where we dreamed all we wanted
So I tell a lie...
I tell and cry...
I tell a lie...for you.
Comments
Thank you, Lonnie
This poem is very dear to my heart.
hello
I really enjoyed this as it so well presented full range of emotions. I have a few ideas you might consider :
Line 4 try carried, alone, our passion's flame
Line 8 maybe , of nature held then within me
Line 10 try we sowed together, you and I
use or not as you see fit these are just ideas.............stan
Stan!
Thanks for the suggestions. I really appreciate them!
Reconciled
twas the right word
yours
Loved
I appreciate your suggestion.
Thanks!
Reconciled
your choice is profound
awesome
powerful
i wouldn't suggest you change a single word
love judy
xxx
no - changed my mind :)
'That spot where we dreamed all we wanted' is a bit awkward... and misses rhyme
quick suggestion
where time to dream has been added
xx
Thank You
Judyanne, for reading and for your suggestion!
When Judy says.....
just say yes
listen not to quacks like me
who know damn all of poetry
simply ask friend Jess
Loved!
:) thanks again!
three exlamation marks is a sign of psychosis
only joking, but seriously that last line doesn't need even one exclamation mark.
I get why everyone is raving about the raw emotion of this poem, but there are several stylistic things I find problematic. Especially the Yoda speak. You know the Star Wars movies? Yoda? He inverts all his sentences.
did brew
I became
did hold
Apart from that, a very fine poem.
I know nothing about...
the star wars.
Thanks for stopping by.
I guess i used the exclamation marks because i was screaming it out in my head as i wrote.
forget Star Wars then
those three endline examples I gave you? You have inverted the natural word order and it makes it sound like contrived poetry.
And I really seriously suggest you delete those exclamation marks, they cheapen your expression
No more
exclamation marks then.
smiles
cool!!!!!!!!