Smile

When dark becomes the night
no moon nor stars in sight
but woes, sighs and cries,
how sadly look the skies.

Then bright shall come the day
to sweep that dark away.
The sun, shining for miles
adorns the skies with smiles.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Do you think that the last two lines has any good affect, weaken the piece or has no effect at all.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and

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Comments

hi rula

the rhyme is good, but you have used ‘away’ twice as an end rhyme,
‘to sweep that dark away.’
‘and keep your frowns away.’
and imho the write is too short for it.

I like the way you have used the comma in ‘but woes, sighs and cries’ as a beat in the iambic
but, ‘how sadly looked the skies’ doesn’t sit that well for me - maybe ‘look’ instead of ‘looked’
and ‘The sun across some miles’ seems awkward – maybe something like ‘the sun, shining for miles’ ?

the write itself is a little sugar sweet for my taste, but that is just me
love judy
xxx

Thank you judy.How nice of

Thank you judy.How nice of you to come through one of my shortest pieces.In fact I kind of forced myself to write something as no real inspiration really. I'll look in what you've just suggested and see what I can do .

But do you think it works better with or without the last two lines?

little sugar sweet

Does this mean it is short or not your cup of tea or..? I have just heard the expression

i mean

it is perhaps a little naive in its 'life is great, be happy' concept
i don't know how to explain it really, perhaps 'hallmarky' ??

and actually, i think it would gain a bit of power if you deleted the last two lines - definitely imo it would work better without them

love judy
xxx

This what I thought too.thank

This what I thought too.thank you!!!

rula

this idea of the loneliness of the darkness of the sky at night, followed by the light and life of the sun has the concept for a great sonnet :)
xxxx

you're a little wicked dear Judy

:-) :-) you always look for a dense dish, don't you?

lol rula

if you don't do it, i will :)

---

Rula,
i like your flow, and the rhyme scheme fits well, and i do agree with Judyanne, that it better without the last two lines...the poem already sends that message. But i really like it especially
" When dark becomes the night
no moon nor stars in sight
but woes, sighs and cries,
how sadly look the skies."

maybe you can remove sadly and make it "how sad look the skies" dunno just a thought... :)

enjoyed it though..

Thanks

Happy to know you've enjoyed this little piece. I am trying to extend my lines
recently therefore, I submitted this with too much hesitance but I am really happy
that I did. I understand your suggestion indeed but won't like to disturbe the meter
or force another word to go with it but I really appreciate your comment.Thank you

i like the edit

unlike mdt, i also still like 'sadly', it personifies the sky - but it is up to you if you want what sounds more correct grammar - note if you use sad it also affects the meter - so you mioght want to consider it thoroughly - might need to add a word
also imo 'The sun shining for miles' needs a comma after sun - more for the rhythm (as the comma in 'but woes, sighs and cries’ forms the 'ta' beat)
xxx

the" ta"

beat has been added ..Appreciate it highly dear Juddy..