docmaverick

May 13, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

Shark Pool (initial workshop)

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Description:

Workshop for 'serious' poets who are ready to start honing their craft. More critical feedback and in depth critique will be offered by each other and from the Moderators/Leaders.

Pamela (Pamela A. Lamppa) (Co-Leader)
Chez (CCFire) (Co-Leader)
Jess (weirdelf) (Co-Leader)
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WORKSHOP - Critique Skills:

DON'T BE INTIMIDATED- THIS WORKSHOP IS ALL ABOUT US LEARNING TO HELP EACH OTHER IMPROVE OUR WORK, CRITIQUE AND UNDERSTANDING OF POETRY. IT TAKES CRITIQUE, THE LIFEBLOOD OF NEOPOET TO A NEW LEVEL. ALL SERIOUS POETS WILL BENEFIT.

Workshop commences - 16 May 2011

This workshop is intended to build skills in serious critical feedback. Participants will not take into account the poet's feelings when presenting critique and ideas for improvement of a piece, although all site and workshop guidelines regarding abuse and personal attacks will be firmly adhered to. This is not an adversarial workshop, it is a tough workshop to improve ourselves in critique in order to help other poets and ourselves in our craft.

Up to 10 participants. First come first in, anyone who misses a place will be reserved a place in succeeding workshops. Applicants to apply by Private Message to weirdelf.

Each participant brings one poem in rough draft form to the workshop. Submitted sequentially, we deal with each poem before moving on to the next. As there probably won't be time in 14 days to cover all 10 poems the leaders will choose a few of the submissions to be worked on, unless there is a determination amongst the participants to extend the workshop beyond the allotted 14 days. The emphasis is on the critique more than the individual poems.

The Process.

A commitment of 14 days is required, you'll need to check in as often as possible. [For those people with limited access to computer time please contact Dan (Hooded Stranger) or me (weirdelf) and we will look into arranging alternatives.]

Each participant will write a brief critique of the poem describing what the poem is about, what it means to you personally, any “layers of meaning” or “subtext” you detect, how it works and why, how it doesn't work and why and suggestions for improvement.

Critiques will scrutinize form, content and originality. Highly subjective responses are acceptable but must be explained. The entire validity of a poem may be questioned.
This will be followed by a round of critique of the critiques by each participant.

The poet may respond, accepting critique or arguing a defense, explaining intent, then posting edits, if any. The purpose here is to allow the poet to interact in a constructive manner with the criticism, not to launch a debate.

Each participant will provide a final critique after edits, if any, are made.

Each participant will write a final critique of the critiques.

Spelling, punctuation and grammar in critiques will be subject to correction.

This may sound like a lot of work but the emphasis is on succinctness. Original critiques will probably not exceed 200 words (a mere Facebook posting [grins]) and following critiques much shorter.

This workshop is closed.

My Sonny Days

It doesn't take a holiday,
or any special time of year;

in fact, nothing "external"
what I love, or my worst fear;

coerces me to "feel" this way
I see no "rainbows", or "chirping birds",

over my years of writing continuously
I still fail to find those words!

Every "t" I cross, or "i" I dot
fail in the "mechanics", as on I write;

but, because of you, I persevere;
I want you to know, with all my might!

For instance, you encouraged my sense of humor
strange as it is, I must agree;

but that "spark" ignited the purest "glow"
that will always dwell inside of me.

Except for my three siblings,
I'm sorry for everyone, everywhere;

you alone raised the bar, on how Moms should be
so for others, it's probably not, "fair"!

I simply thought I'd try my hand, again
and attempt, to find the words that would say;

that your unconditional love will always be
the "beacon" forever lighting my every, way.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Happy Mother's Day, Antoinette White....once again!

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: The High Desert, in the wild west, southern California, U.S. of A.., USA

Favorite Poets: Keates

Comments

Hello Doc

I read through this many times today
just woke up nects room here
and came into the comp room
small second floor cheery window
fairly new complecs apartment
unit for families

floor air conditioner at my right on bricks
so tube can reach window Like the old
bookcases on cement blocks and boards
simple and effective

I dream of my mom all the time
there was always drama and emotional
twists that was the way it was
and micsed in there was the love
caring and laying down of ideals
ecspectations and some kind
of rules for living

I love these handwritten works
My mom accepted our Hallmark
cards but she really loved our
handcrafted ones

when I see others on this day
with their moms I smile
and I say Thanks to my mom
wherever she may be today

Thank You

Hello Doc,

Loving thoughts and good intentions. A sweet and thoughtful tribute to your mother. I liked it all and can find no fault.

always, Cat

a beautiful write doc

I love this doc
imo it needs a cull of a few words for the rhythm
and it needs to be put into stanzas to give the reader a chance to take breath, as well for clarity that a new thought starts

imho I stress

but I would
‘over my years of writing continuously’ (remove the ‘my’ – for rhythm)
‘fail in the "mechanics", as on I write;’ (remove the ‘the’ – again for rhythm)
‘For instance, you encouraged my sense of humor’ (remove the ‘for instance’)
‘you alone raised the bar, on how Moms should be’ (remove the ‘alone’ - for rhythm, not needed for the text of the line)
‘so for others, it probably doesn't seem "fair"!’ (remove the ‘probably)
‘that your unconditional love will always be’ (remove ‘that’)

I would also take away the quotation marks – I don’t think they are needed and they detract from the aesthetic of reading – at least or me they do… and i would also work a little on the punctuation

so my finished edit, excuse me for writing your poem out, but to explain it would take even longer

i stress again - imho

It doesn't take a holiday
or any special time of year
in fact, nothing external

what I love, or my worst fear
coerces me to feel this way

I see no rainbows, or chirping birds
over years writing continuously
I still fail to find the perfect words!
Every 't' I cross, or 'i' I dot
fail in mechanics, as on I write

but, because of you I persevere
I want you to know, with all my might

Except for my three siblings
I'm sorry for everyone else, everywhere
you raised the bar on how Moms should be
so, for others, it doesn't seem fair

I simply thought I'd try my hand, again
and attempt to find the words to say
your unconditional love will always be
the beacon forever lighting my way

hope this is helpful

i just love the end line
and also
'you encouraged my sense of humor
strange as it is, I must agree
but that spark ignited the purest glow
that will always dwell inside of me'

as i said - a beautiful write doc
love judy
xxx