judyanne
judyanne
May 15, 2012
This poem is part of the workshop:

Constructive Feedback

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A Way To Say It (constructive feedback workshop)

I tried to write a sonnet, like The Bard,
to apt describe my feelings for you, love,
but it's not easy - rather, it is hard -
the words seem trite when push comes down to shove.

Comparison to bright-lit summer day,
too hot for gold complexion to adore;
rough winds, thus startling darling buds of May -
one finds that it has all been said before.

I'll use a phrase that's more in use today
to put in rhyme the joy I've known with you.
Though simple - nowhere near great William's way -
to me, nevertheless, they're just as true.

Although my saying this may sound ill-bred,
I'm glad you parked your shoes beneath my bed.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

More from this author

Comments

S

Darn sonnet writing show off lol.I like the use of conflict in writing about being unable to write. I've even used it a few times myself . As is too typical with sonnets though a few lines and word choices seem a bit forced in order to maintain the "count" :
S-1,L-3 change rather to in fact or indeed and swap places with it's and it is
S-2,L-1Try changing to :comparing one to a bright summer day will avoid having to use Mays in following
.....L-3 drop the s in Mays
S-3,L-2 Try to write of the joy I have found in you..........just seems clser to what I think you mean to convey
But this might all be a matter of dialect as such can have a great effect ofhow something reads................stan PS note that I hit the workshop button and thus have my feedback enclosed in that official looking border lol

judyanne

- i went back and hit the button to enclose my comments to you on your poem
i've not been doing these workshops as long as you
and it takes a while to teach old dogs new tricks :)

thanks so much for the feedback
but stan, each of your suggestions mess with the iambic....
- and i have to disagree re dialect... i truthfully don't think it makes that much of a difference to the stress one puts on most words....
(and i like 'mays' as pleural - it fits what i'm saying
as does the word 'rather')

again - i do appreciate the feedback -
thank you
love judy
xxx

S

no problem as you are a much better meter maid than I lol. But I guess it just goes to show how hard it is to get meter , rhyme and form right sometimes...................stan

Candlewitch

Dear Judy, I like your title because it is not mushy, as neither is the poem.Nice... In this stanza:

Comparing one to bright-lit summer days
too hot for gold complexions to adore;
rough winds, thus startling darling buds of Mays -
one finds that it has all been said before.

I would change L-1 to read:
Comparing one to a bright summer lit day
and L-3 to read:
rough winds, thus startling darling buds of May

as it sounds better to the ear (IMHO)

I liked these lines:

I'll use a phrase that's more in use today
to write the words of joy I found with you.
Though simple - nowhere near great William's way -
to me, nevertheless, they're just as true.

Although my saying this may sound ill-bred,
I'm glad you parked your shoes beneath my bed.

(the reference to William Shakespere?) and the last two lines that bring it into the "now"

always, Cat

judyanne

and thank you for your thoughts

but i can't use your suggestion as it upsets the iambic meter
'Com -PAR - ing ONE to a BRIGHT SUM - mer lit DAY'

- i don't see the problem with using 'Mays' as pleural
can you tell me why you don't like it?
just curious
as i see it as making it more 'eternal' so to speak
- i only ask, as scribbles also picked up that line

again, thank you cat
love and hugs
judy
xxxx

judyanne

i quite like your suggestion and will think on it
the only problem i see is 'today' is definite 'to-DAY'
whereas 'these days' has (to my ear) a slight more emphasis on the 'these' even though i know it is still unstressed....
- but as i say - i do like the idea and will definitely consider it
love judy
xxx

Rula

Rula

12 years 11 months ago

What I liked most is that I felt the poet's heart in this sonnet and not to mention the title which internally rhymes too but if I may and it is only because I've noticed it is the only two words which don't fully rhyme in your third stanza (you, true) , here

to write the words of joy I found with you...I'd suggest [to write the words of joy with you I knew
to me, nevertheless, they're just as true.... I'd suggest [ to me, nevertheless, they're true though new]
however , I know you are fully aware that yours can still work perfectly well.

judyanne

'you' and 'true' both rhyme to my ear :)

but you did pick up on a line that bothered me
'to write the words of joy I found with you' ...
and i like your suggestion so will definitely think on 'to write the words of joy with you I knew'

one tiny thing i notice with your complete suggestion is that you rhyme 'new' and 'knew', which to me is using the same sound word - reading isn't so bad, bur when it is spoken it comes as a repeat....

thank you again for your time - it is appreciated
love judy
xxxx

Tommi Cordial

I love the way you carried this trough, from a love protest to a sweet encounter of chance. It was a very well put together sentiment . However, I did find myself having to build the flow of it as I had to read it more than the required twice. This is not to say that the poem in and of itself wasn't very enjoyable.

Tommi