judyanne
judyanne
Apr 05, 2012

capitalism

now it has come to a wretched affair
telling you this while I'm sat on a carton
telling you life is so blasted unfair -
grateful for flagons of watered-down bourbon
reason I'm living this awful nightmare ?
nasty old bank is now taking mean action
moving my furniture to who knows where
threatening to sell it, tomorrow at auction

neighbours have all come to giggle and stare
watch while the manager's friend (he's a villain)
takes my belongings without e'en a care
(won't even stop when I mention a bargain)
as he removes my most favourite armchair
muttering under my breath 'What a cretin'
sneering and glowering behind my long hair
turning a brilliant bright shade of blush crimson

nothing to eat now, the cupboards are bare
greens from the freezer, but no longer frozen -
freezer so sadly went after glassware
(I have to admit I enjoyed it so when
he so very near nearly tripped on the stair
dropping piano, it would've been gruesome for
any poor person just lingering there)

hoped that, by now, I'd have made my life fortune
had thought, perhaps, it was writing - my flair
thinking that maybe I'd write a great dictum
found to my sorrow I am no Voltaire
told that my stuff is no better than rotten
poems and stories, they sell-out to nowhere
been quite some time, I might say, since I've eaten
wonder how long one can live on just air

hurrying quickly to finish this poem
leeringly eying my laptop computer
manager’s friend is toward me advancing
wordless he’ll leave me - in total despair
swearing I’ll take a strong poisonous toxin to
dull disappointment I’ll have I declare if
leaving this earth to go live there in heaven
capitalism dares also be there

About This Poem

Last Few Words: attempt at dactyl pentameter .... some lines of 5 & 1/3 feet – are they acceptable?

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

More from this author

Comments

judyanne

i think i have myself confused
i thought dum ta ta dum etc was anapaest
but i think now it is dactyl
someone please enlighten me
lol

really having trouble with line 6 i think....

E

 

 

Yes, dactyls (Greek fingers) :)   You are right on the mark in most places.

 

NOW it has COME to a POOR SAD afFAIR (Acceptable. I think it would be better with an unstressed syllable for "SAD")
TELLing you THIS while I'm SAT on a CARTon (perfect)
TELLing you LIFE is so BLASTed unFAIR (perfect)
GRATEful for FLAGons of WATered-down BOURbon (perfect)
REASon I'm LIVing this AWful nightMARE ? (perfect, except nightmare usually/normally has the main stress on the first syllable: NIGHTmare)
NASTy OLD BANK has MADE reposSESS ACTion (MADE and -SESS deviate a bit too much)
MOVing my FURniture to who KNOWS WHERE (maybe not perfect, but acceptable)
THREATening to SELL it, toMORrow at AUCTion (perfect)

 

How about "wretched" instead of "poor sad"?

 

"some lines of 4 & 1/3 feet – are they acceptable? "" 

For sure; it allows you to incorporate rhyme more effectively.  Otherwise the rhymes would be very unwieldy and difficult.  

 

Here is another page you may find helpful for studying meter: http://www.algonquinstable.net/meter.php

 

 

 

judyanne

thank you very much for the helpful crit
i have used your suggestion of wretched - perfect, thank you

and i have reworked that dastardly line six yet again - does 'mean' work?

again, thanks for the assist
love judy

S

I thought we were still on iambic pentameter not ductwork pterodactal lol.........stan

Barbara Writes

Jump the gun
This should have been iambic pentameter.
Maybe you can break it down to be so.
Four lines per stanza only. If you wouldn't mind it.

Barbara Writes

The workshop is for absolute beginners. You will scare them away with your enthusiasm. Lol. Lets stick to whats in the syllabus. Nice work though.

judyanne

but all of my recent western style poems are iambic pentameter or tetrameter

i thought we had discussed this, and i had said to leave this write until we were covering the particular meter...
meanwhile, no, i don't think i want to change anything

i have, as you see, already received a helpful review here
and i am hopeful then of maybe another or two - for my own growth you see ?

i enjoy critiquing to assist the other participants in the workshop the best i can
i'm happy for my already submitted to the stream poems that are in iambic to be critiqued,

if that's not to your liking i will happily withdraw from the workshop :)
love judy

Barbara Writes

Maybe you can proposed your own advanced workshop teaching three syllables feet iambic.
I'm focusing on two syllable.
You could have entered one of you iambic pentameter poems to help the participants who are not as ept at meter as you are.
If you understand something better then the Leader then you should help the leader by supporting the Syllabus. Or create your own.
By the way Jess, workshop director asked me do this for the very absolute beginners as this form of poetry is confusing for those not as advanced as you apparently are.
I'm not upset Judy its just that you can't barge in and take liberties.
However you choose to write your poem for this workshop is okay by me as long as it fits somewhere near the Syllabus.

Barbara Writes

Withdrawing is your choice I'm certainly not kicking you out.
Really your critique makes me look like the amateur that i am.
Another iambic pentameter or tetrameter poem for the workshop would have been nice.
I would gladly have learn from you in my second ever workshop.

Barbara Writes

Withdrawing is your choice I'm certainly not kicking you out.
Really your critique makes me look like the amateur that i am.
Another iambic pentameter or tetrameter poem for the workshop would have been nice.
I would gladly have learn from you in my second ever workshop.

judyanne

i didn't mean for this to be such a hassle

stan asked me to join in to your workshop, i didn't realise it was for 'absolute beginners' as he isn't one....
when he suggested it, the workshop had been going for a while
i read someones' comments about types of meter this included
and i wrote wirhout thinking
i originally only had the first verse up
then we had our ''discussion' and since i thought we were going to ignore it i posted the rest of the write
and left it in the workshop as i thought it might be interesteiing for others
- i will remove it

i aplogise, lol and i know you are not kicking me out (smile)
- but i'll stay away from things, even my attempts to join in with the parsing just seem to upset you
cheers
judy

Barbara Writes

I know stan isn't a absolute beginner. Possibly no one here is. Since meter an be confusing sometimes the purpose of the workshop can make it less confusing when in a beginners format.

weirdelf

 

during the last few meter workshops I trained up several others who can do it, especially Wesley and Stan, and I've developed a nasty rash whenever parsing now.
 
So I just read it as poetry and was delighted. Lyrical and emotionally palpable, coherent and lucid. I did stumble badly over a couple of rhymes that forced a mis-stress, notably-
unfair -
nightmare
and
a care
armchair
 
The content is so specifically personal, and so fails to address dialectic materialism that I question the validity of the title.
 
But I really like the poem.
judyanne

i guess you are correct re the title- perhaps i should rename it as 'the effect of the monetary system of barter in capitalism, on me and my life and posessions' lol - a bit of a mouthful

so glad you enjoyed it though
love judy
xxx