Race_9togo
Race_9togo
Dec 05, 2010

Forgotten Briefly

Hurrying to dress for work
I grabbed my gray t-shirt
lying on your vanity's plush chair
beside our bed,
put it on beneath my shirt
and scurried out the door

On my way way to work
in heavy traffic
faint aroma of gardenias
tickled at my senses

At work, at my desk
I wondered where
the perfume came from
and in the warehouse
I could not shake
the faint traces
of that sweetness

On my way home from work
through cold night
and empty freeway
I thought about you
warm and waiting
in our bed
and finally got it

I realized that you
had worn my t-shirt
as pygama-top to bed
the previous night

and I laughed, remembering
it was I who took it off
and in impatience
for your touch,
tossed it on the chair.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

C

someone's racing about in and out of their day... how hectic life can be... Well captured in this poem, its rhythms lend to that feel.

lou

lou

14 years 4 months ago

Very romantic and quite sexy. The last stanza troubles me, not sure why, lol
Maybe you could say ' I remembered who removed it in haste, utter desperation, longing for your touch.'

Lou

Race_9togo

I did try something similar to your suggestion, at first, but I edited it into its current version when I realized that the ending didn't specify who actually removed the t-shirt, heehee.
And impatience...is what I often feel, before...

:)

Glad you liked it.

K

Scent is the strongest sense we have. I love this story, I love little vignettes of ordinary life.

For me the last paragraph worked but you might try to work it out in the present tense.

....and I laughed, remembering....

hug,
~

p.s. I kept smelling (Xmas) pine trees all day long yesterday.

Race_9togo

I think that scent is the strongest sense in terms of memory. I cannot speak for others, but an aroma or scent can plunge me back into memories decades old, as if I were still there.
Tense: a good idea, thank you.

S

The lasting faint hints of intimacy.............I love the idea and this poem( perhaps your best ? ).........scribbler

M

The scent you smelled all day at work was your love and your wifes love. How beautiful this is and I admired this write of yours.

Great!!

Blessings to you and yours this Holiday Season

Mona

Race_9togo

I am happy that you enjoyed it so.
I have others like this, but they are, shall we say, a bit more inimate, heehee. Not for public consumption, if you follow me.

;)

Race_9togo

LOL
It's our busy season at work right now: I would forget my brain sometimes, if it wasn't firmly enscounced in my thick skull.
But even if I had not remembered, heehee, she would have reminded me.
In the best possible way.

Race_9togo

Thanks for your critique.
The struggle with time and place: all of the "work" references are deliberate. The repetition serves to reinforce the sense of hectic activity and busy life that made me forget in the first place.

Details: I paint distinct pictures in readers' minds. I dislike vauge or implied discriptions in these kinds of pieces, and so I detail.Also, cadence and rythym are important in freeform poetry, and extra words and lines - although they may be superfluous - do serve to focus cadence, and therefore impact. And descriptiveness is part and parcel to the way I write freeform poetry.

The plush vanity chair, and its location, says things about my wife, as well.

In heavy traffic: I am illustrating the circumstance in which I go to work, not merely the fact that I am going. The work reference again forces the reader to keep that idea firmly in the forefront of thoughts, and the description is important, because it shows the reader what I go through to get to work, and this is one of the reasons I forgot.

At my desk: same rule applies, differentiating between two different parts of my job, i.e. at my desk and in the warehouse, and the implication that because I have two completely different areas in which I work, things are always busy.

She was wearing it, evidenced by the previous verse, and the fact that I took it off.

Thanks again Amal, I will leave this a day or two, thinking about what you said, and then read again with your critique in mind, to see if I want to change it.
And I am glad that you enjoyed this so much.

mand

mand

14 years 4 months ago

Lovely to read this delightful poem. Like a snapshot of a day in your life. It's warm and romantic amidst a hectic life style - I love the ending.

Thank you for sharing!!

Love Mand xxxxxxx

Edevold

you should have put in a line like:

and I stayed half hard
more or less all day
damn distracting
that perfume

I liked the poem...........

Race_9togo

Edevold, I confess that I did start out with some, let us say, far more explicit references than I ended up with. Most of my "romantic" poetry starts as little more than pornography, which I then re-write in more romantic terms. We males tend to see love in far more physical terms than our women do, I think, hence the way I start these kinds of poems.
I think if I was writing exclusively for a male audience that explicitness would work, but since half my readers are ladies, I cannot get too explicit without negative reaction from some quarters. Not that I care about negative reactions personally, but I am writing for as wide an audience as I can get.
Besides, I think the implication of arousal and excitement is there at the end, given your suggestion!

I am glad that you liked this,

H

I like the way you wrote it. If you don't spell out the details. Each reader can fill in thier own. Very romantic poems. Little things count so much. Take Care. huey

Race_9togo

Yeah, readers will do that...i just like the little details, I think it helps with the cadence, and focuses the mind more on the subject.

Glad you enjoyed this.

Candlewitch

It is the little things that make up our life's pleasures. I love this intimate write, especially:

I realized that you
had worn my t-shirt
as pygama-top to bed
the previous night

which brings it together nicely.

love, Cat

Race_9togo

Thanks very much. Yes, in the end, the small things are what really enrich our lives.
Glad you enjoyed this.

Z

ziggy

14 years 4 months ago

this reads well, as cat said above a n intimate write
good to read you again ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

Race_9togo

Thanks for reading and enjoying. Sorry it took so long to reply, but we're in the middle of our busy season at work, and things are impossibly right now!
Glad that you liked this.