scribbler
Apr 01, 2012
This poem is part of the workshop:

Working With Meter in Poetry

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WOODBINE'S SCULPTURE (3rd sonnet attempt) [meter workshop]

The woodbine decorates its host in yellow
but gay blossoms cover its true intent
as it attempts to choke the little tree
or at the least leave it twisted and bent

Young tree accomodates its tormenter
by bulging bark between the ropy vine
which tightens as the growing tree gains girth
it's mere luck this tree's not a soft barked pine

This alder I spotted beside a road
on verge of death as its starved leaves browned
I cut and freed it from its stranging foe
a helical staff I now tote around

So out of struggle and near death is made
A true support to help me walk rough glades

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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Comments

Barbara Writes

Beautifully written
I love the tone. The gay bossom which strangles the tree is removed to save the tree, useful as a support for. Nicely done

S

I had actually written another stanza then realized this was very close to being a sonnet (a form I've seldom used) so I made a few adjustments and came up with this with some help from an ol' Carolina girl..................stan

S

One of the reasons I avoid sonnets is because they are so hard to write without it seeming contrived. I'm very pleased you think this flows naturally. As to "skinned" According to WEBSTER'S NINTH NEW COLLEGIATE DICTIONARY it is one syllable. thanks for coming by..........stan

E

 

I like this. It is not a bad attempt, but there are quite a few outstanding deviations from the iambic meter: (Capitalized syllables/words below are the stresses. The bolded syllables are the syllables that succeed as being beats of the meter)

 

WOODbine DEcoRATES its HOST in YELlow (this is the opposite of iambic! And "yellow" doesn't rhyme with "tree"!)                                                                                        but GAY BLOSsoms COVer its TRUE inTENT
as it atTEMPTS to CHOKE the LITtle TREE (perfect)
or at the LEAST LEAVE it TWISTed and BENT

YOUNG TREE acCOMmodates its TORmenter (perfect, though tormentor is usually pronounced torMENTor)
by BULGing BARK beTWEEN the ROPy VINE (perfect)
which TIGHTens as the GROWing TREE GAINS GIRTH (perfect)
it's MERE LUCK this TREE'S not SOFT SKINNED PINE (Very messy. This line is also missing a syllable)

This ALDer I SPOTted beSIDE a ROAD
on VERGE of DYing as its LEAVES TURNED BROWN (perfect)
I CUT and FREED it of its STRANGing FOE (perfect except "of" struggles to work as a beat)
a HELical STAFF I NOW TOTE aROUND (missing a syllable)

So OUT of STRUGgle and NEAR DEATH is MADE (perfect)
A TRUE supPORT to HELP me WALK ROUGH GLADE (perfect)

Also "walk rough glade" is a bit unidiomatic, as we expect an "a" "walk a rough glade" or "walk through a rough glade" etc. In this case, perhaps simply "walk the glade" would work better? Hope this helps a bit.

E

Sorry, I thought it said bold tags would work in "advanced formatting", but they didn't work in my comment above.

Edit: Fixed (for the most part)

S

Welcome to neopoet. In my opinion All critique is helpful and I appreciate your taking the time to dissect this. I expect that after your comment on yellow not rhyming with tree you realized the rhyme pattern I used here only required every other line to rhyme lol. As to some of this not being iambic I suspected as much. I have a hard time reading my own stuff without poetic voice which tends to mislead me at times. But I must confess that I was so focused on trying to maintain the pentameter that I didn't pay much attention to anything else except trying to keep a natural sound to the flow of words. I reckon there's a reason I called this a sonnet "attempt" as I've yet to write one I'm really happy with. I look forward to hearing more from you and reading some of your writing. If you need any help navigating site or have any questions just ask me or any other member. If we can't help we'll get you in touch with somebody who can............stan

S

These danged sonnets lol. Believe you are mistaken as helical has 3 syllables . You are correct on other syllable count though and I'm gonna change it and last line also..........stan

judyanne

beautiful descriptive, and an uplifting message stan
i love this write of yours
but if you are serious about the meter...

WOODbine DEcorATES its HOST in YELLow
but GAY BLOSSoms COVer its TRUE inTENT
as IT atTEMPTS to CHOKE the LITTle TREE
or AT the LEAST LEAVE it TWISTed and BENT

YOUNG TREE acCOMMoDATES its torMENTter
by BULGing BARK beTWEEN the ROpy VINE
which TIGHTens AS the GROWing TREE GAINS GIRTH
it’s MERE LUCK this TREE’S not SOFT-SKINNED PINE

this ALDer I SPOTTed beSIDE a ROAD
on VERGE of DYing as its LEAVES TURNED BROWN
I CUT and FREED it OF its STRANGling FOE
a HELi-cal STAFF I NOW TOTE aROUND

so OUT of STRUGGle and NEAR DEATH is MADE
a TRUE supPORT to HELP me WALK ROUGH GLADE

it is really rude to re-write someone’s work
so i am going to be really rude because I love this poem of yours stan, and I’m really just trying to show you the iambic – lol but you can’t call it a sonnet without the correct rhyme scheme too…
this isn’t perfect, but hopefully will give you some ideas…

the yellow woodbine decorates its host
with blossoms gaily hiding true intent
to slowly try to choke the little tree
or at the least to leave it twined and bent

to now the sapling’s fought its cruel tormenter
by bulging bark between the ropy vine
which tightens as the growing tree gains girth
it’s merely luck this tree is not soft pine

beside the road I spotted this young alder
on verge of dying as its leaves were browned
I cut and freed it of its strangling foe
a spiral shaped support I now tote ‘round

so out of struggle and near death is found
a staff to make that helps me o’er rough ground

(first lines of verses two and three are feminine lines
ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta
- 51/2 iambic feet
- -shakespeare used them a lot
- so they’re perfectly legal )

hope this helps and I don’t offend you
love and hugs
judy
xxxx
lol - i should say imho :)

S

It takes a lot more than well intentioned feed back to offend me lol. I'll check over your suggestion this evening and see what I can come up with................stan PS what is a feminine line??? I thought lines were gender neutral

judyanne

has an extra syllable and finishes on the up
- in pentameter five and a half feet (11 syllables) instead of five feet (10 syllables)
ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta

:)
xx

Barbara Writes

I believe you are in error in My iambic pentameter research it has 5 iambic and 10 syllables.
da Dum da Dum da Dum da Dum da Dum.
da Dum| da Dum| da Dum| da Dum| da Dum| da.

S

Now I see how wrong I was in saying sonnets are a pain in the butt............riiiiight lol. Ya'll go on debating this while I cower in ignorance lmao................stan

S

Now prepared to see where I made mistakes in edit lol...........stan

Barbara Writes

Its almost perfect to me. The critique from the stream can only make it better. You have a great piece here and i just love the imagery I still see.

Barbara Writes

You have gain a lot from this workshop and writing with meter, at the least, iambic pentameter is a lot easier.