Candlewitch

Mar 28, 2012

From Hell (eddy styx) {rhyming} Re-worked (again)

From Hell

From Hell 'twas told
the beast he came
with gaping jaw
and eye of flame

to virgins drawn
his hunger whet
on virtue fed
his course was set

a whore or two
for tastings' sake
a course before
his thirst to slake

in alleys dark
sharp blade was thrust
dank blood on shiv
as stark as rust

in passion heightened
hid by night
wide flung windows
his delight

untouched woman
in repose
deep in sleep
a blushing rose

he stands a moment
at bedside
lifting covers
hands now glide

knife at throat
she wakes in shock
as blade cuts
so chimes the clock

midnight struck
he heaves a sigh
with toothy grin
and evil eye

About This Poem

Last Few Words: For those of you who don't know: eddy styx is my male alter ego who writes dark poetry. Thanks to Beauregard and to Lonnie for his e-mailed suggested changes! Thank you Loved and Stan, you're brilliant!

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Dear Lonnie,

One of the lines in question is:

blood bold as rust (I think the word "bold" is the problem.

as Kelsey pointed out and Dan has suggested I take out blackest from:

concealed by blackest night
which I agree with

I have a problem with:

virtuous woman
lying in repose
deep in sleep
soft as a blushing rose

it is the last line that bothers me. I would love to read your suggestions.

thanks always, Cat

:)

Thanks, Beau! I needed that!

always, eddy (& cat)

Cat,

Very nicely done, it carries so well on the lips and tongue.
Bravisima!

Eddie

Dear Eddie,

Thanks!

always, Cat

Thanks Beau,

I see what you mean. Thanks for pointing that out. I agree.

always, eddy (& cat)

Hi

Well, late as usual lol. Not exactly a poem to read a child at bedtime, but damned good anyway. I also have a few ideas :
L-5 that the beast came (avoids inversion)
L-20 add were
L-29 knlfe to throat
There were a few other places I'd have added a word but in doing so it might have hurt the bare bones evil intent................stan

Thanks, Stan,

Good eye and suggestions.

always, eddy (& cat)

Pardon me ma'am ...for exceeding my brief.. .. just learning

Pardon me ma’am...
for exceeding my brief.....
just learning
not intending any grief

1.
untouched woman
in repose
deep in sleep
soft as rose

b)
unblemished gals
in waiting
still in hope
seemingly consummating

will this be okay?
poetry your style????

2.
he stands a moment
at bedside
lifting covers
hands now glide

b)
he voyeurs all night
near the love seat
imagining for ever
their bodies would meet

c)
would these fit?
your type of menu
I think it should
just learning from you

Thank you

I thought I was only learning
you escalate my heart
as in the surgical room
when they fix
STENTS
thanks
my dear friend...

Dear Loved,

You are never a bother to me. I appreciate your great suggested alternatives. Thank you for reading my poetry!

always, eddy (& cat)

Cat ,no those were not sugggestions at all....

I just wanted to learn
and
so I took on
now since you all appreciate
may be I 'll compose one .
Thanks Cat.

i have a problem with the rhythm cat

the first three stanzas are written in iambic dimeter
then you change to mixing in some three syllable lines

maybe you meant to 'roughen' it - but it doesn't work for me
eg
'in dark alleys
blade was thrust
blood on shiv
stark as rust'

to keep the iambic -
'in alleys dark
sharp blade was thrust
dank blood on shiv
as stark as rust' ....
and so on....

however, i have to add that the rhythm and rhyme (for me) lowered the horror quality
i really don't think eddy's writes should be so formal - it causes a loss in the oomph if you know what i mean

hope this helps
love judy
xxx

Dear Judy,

Thank you for the suggestions, I have made the changes. I appreciate all the help I can get! I hope you are well.

always, eddy (& cat)

Finally!

I have been able to read this and I enjoyed the poem as well as the comments!
Cool to see how suggestions are made to help improve the poem...feels like family!!

My favorite lines were;

in heightened passion
hid by night
wide flung windows
his delight

untouched woman
in repose
deep in sleep
a blushing rose...

The end sent chills down my spine!! Sure not bedtime story material for kids but good for me I think!!