Shaman, Shaman dance for me
for I need your magic now
as sure death grows within me
use ancestors' knowing how
O great Shaman cast your spell
in this dim lit house of glass
ban what makes me fell unwell
I'm not ready yet to pass
Shaman....Doctor mix your potions
bite me with needles of steel
let machines of wonder record the motions
of doom pulsing from crown to heel
Doctor....Shaman...Medicine Man
I read my fate within your eyes
your ju-ju has done all it can
now I'll await final surprise
Comments
hey Stan
This is a great poem. Love reading this perfect on target
4 tetrameter 7 syllables poem in the first two stanzas
In stanza 3 you changed rhythm in first line to
4 tetrameter 8 syllables
then back to
4 tetrameter 7 syllables in second line.
in third line you jump to 11 syllables
then back to
4 tetrameter 8 syllables in forth line
then in last stanza all
4 lines are 4 tetrameter 8 syllables. great read.
my suggestion is to make the whole poem either tetrameter or octameter
some poets write mixed meters very well, so you can do that but flow must work to make poem effective or just work on the third stanza so it will flow with stanzas 1and 2 or 4.
otherwise great poem.
Hi Meter maid lol
I actually let the meter drift on purpose to emphasize time and mood changes. But I Do appreciate the time it took you to analyze the changes.........stan
meter maid lol; just caught that
Adding our own differences to poetry can be a good. I suppose my mood ran in the opposite direction. lol
the third stanza simply stumble in flow for me as I sing the meter in my head in a steady count of all syllables having the same rhythm
hi
I expect it's the 3rd line of 3rd stanza that causes the trip?..........stan
yes that's it
Reading modern medicine I did enjoy otherwise.
ah ha
I'll scratch my head and various other parts and see what alternative I can come up with that doesn't lose message......stan
Dear Stan,
You really hit the nail on the head with this image filled poem! I wonder though... In this line:
now I'll await final suprise
did you mean surprise?
an enjoyable write to be sure!
always, Cat
hi Cat
I actually Do preview my stuff but I must often see what I mean instead of what's there lol. Thanks for the typo spot and for dropping by...........stan