dreams

swaying ....................................................................upon
the shadow
of this moon.

the silhouettes
reflect ........................................................................two
as one.

our ...........................................................................stars
are fading with
the peak of a horizon.

for you....................................................................were
just sand
erased by the wind.

nothing left
but the ..................................................................screams
that echo into forever.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: some more word vomit. you know when you have those really good dreams and when you wake up your upset it is over? basically... :)

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York, U.S., USA

Comments

I'll be honest...

... I don't know if the formatting trick hurled anything productive, but I have a VERY warm place in my heart for a truly experimental poet. I love coming.............................................................upon something so different it makes me twist my head in wonder.
Here's the weird part.............................................I truly like the poem. Even without dots.
You have a curious mind that bears watching.
wesley

the form

for me just served as a kind of negative warning.... a pessimistic "don't follow your dreams" message. a bit depressing but sometimes life is like that. thanks for stopping bye

Nicer spacing would help perhaps Love your originality girl

swaying ..................................................................upon
the shadow
of this moon.
the silhouettes
reflect ......................................................................two
as one.
our .......................................................................... stars
are fading with
the peak of a horizon.
for you................................................................... were
just sand
erased by the wind.
nothing left
but the .................................................................. screams
that echo into forever.

The pessimism

distraught minds
two in one
should upon each others shoulders display,
some sense of consolation
and
not only sadism relay
Positivity ought to be the aim
Of lovers two,
how I wish
this new ones knew

very nice

thanks for commenting and i will fix my spacing when i go to edit later. For it looks much better that way. thank you! :)

thanks to u 222222222

We are all here to learn
and share
what little we can
and u dear girl are wonderfullllllllllll

Love the originality

I love the originality and wording of the poem. The spacing caught my eye. Love the creativity

thank you

i love writing in this form. It is like my home but i need to push the boundires a bit and not play it so safe :) thanks for commenting!

Starlight

As Wesley said a change from the normal and very likeable, one thing I would have liked to see was that the words in the right making a vertical statement, then you would have been cooking on Gas.
Otherwise great writing, we will have to wait to see what our Jess thinks of this style ????
Yours Ian.T

Ian T

i was debating whether or not to write the way i usually do. Changing it up would be nice for me, i'm limiting my writing. i am just stuck on the form :) and i doubt Jess will like this one too much, it is very rough and i'm planning on making some changes. The more i read it the more the improvements that could be made are visible. thank you for reading and commenting :)

hehe

thanks Lon. always great to here from you! and thank you so much!

damn Girl!

you are killing me here with this beatiful poem of lost soul in a relation that was doomed to fail from the start.
i love this stanza it reflexes the whole complextion of the poem.

"for you....................................................................were
just sand
erased by the wind"

Eddie
...

thanks

your quite good yourself! thanks for reading