emogothgirl
emogothgirl
Mar 01, 2012

They Don't Know, They Shouldn't

as stars burn out when night is day
her heart takes fleeting beat
i walk with glass embedded heels
and blame my careless feet

the girl walks 'round with green and red
she'll have her choice in men
and yet she yearns for more and more
her fingers greed 'til then

she said one day might hold for us
a love of different kinds
i wonder if she too is plagued
in her heart and her mind

i hold this sickness in my health
because what can i say?
i keep a bottle deep inside
let another turn away

About This Poem

Last Few Words: cryptic, i think. but it makes sense to me ;)

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: somewhere in the middle of the mountains, USA

Favorite Poets: life.

More from this author

Comments

William Saint George

But the first stanza made me smile. A big smile. That was awesome. It sounded really wise. Then all meaning seems to flee from the second stanza onward, though I can glean a little meaning from it.

Without a little clarification, I doubt I can make complete sense out of it. The last stanza feels more removed from the previous two. I don't get the significance of the bottle, but it does look to me like holding on to past hurts/mistakes.

Theme-wise, is there a theme? lol, that was a joke. I can't get anything very consistent, though it clearly speaks of love in some sensual form. O and it is from a woman's perspective.

Great poem.

emogothgirl

you know when a friend says "what about you and me? as in, experimenting?" yup. thats it. the bottle is keeping in emotions, that kind of thing. i'm glad you got most of it though, nice.
thanks,
mag

Eduardo Cruz

storing it away as a protection to your own heart. for me love a two sided the warm tenderness and the pain of wanting more when it;s gone. I enjoyed it, as you use to different charcters here, one in the beginning and another at the end it gave the poem to different propectives. great write, thank you for sharing.
Eddie
...

emogothgirl

i definitely agree on how you see love; i'm currently in the stage of wanting more!
thanks,
mag

emogothgirl

this is what you couldn't tell anyone; emily knows about the other stuff. i just kinda decided not to tell you this...
thanks,
MARGARET

loved

loved

13 years 2 months ago

. To me it gives a sense of multiplication

of varied sexual ornamentation\
and the gals desires of variety
ends in utter frustration
gals don't realise their folly
unless they are actaully taken
by multimen
then they lose
the charm of semen
and orgasm

Candlewitch

I read William Saint George's comments and I have to agree with them. I much liked these lines:

she said one day might hold for us
a love of different kinds
i wonder if she too is plagued
in her heart and her mind

the whole piece seems to me to hold a deep dark secret mystery, I like that!

always, eddy (& cat)

emogothgirl

i thought he might like this. and yes, i've let you in on a very dark little secret... ;)
thanks,
mag

S

Good treatment of a seldom covered topic. Got a few suggestions you might consider :
L-8 try her fingers grasp with greed till then (for clarity)
L-10 try of a different kind (closer rhyme)
L-13 change hold to bear
L-32 tell scribbler to kiss off lol............stan

Roscoe Lane

Great poem, i had a few ideas about certain lines. But i believe the way you've written this is adding to the charm of the poem. beautiful . Regards Roscoe..