What's this? there are some voices
Footsteps in the hall
No one supposed to be here
Just the Reverend, that's all
Girlish whispers and angry murmmers
"We will kill him now"
He's done it to all of us
No more; and that's our vow
A dozen girls filed in slowly
Steak-knives and clubs of wood
Killer shrank back hiding
Should he stop them if he could?
They stopped in disbelief
At the carnage that they saw
"Did you do this little one?"
She shook her head; said,"Nah"
Then Killer stepped into view
The girls, they all hung back
They were scared of this big man
What he did to the man in black
Now don't do anything foolish
Leave this one to me
You don't want your hands being soiled
I'll take care of it, you see
They stared at him for a moment
Then the oldest spoke to him
"We must have our revenge
We don't think of it as sin"
Killer took his knife out
Stabbed the Reverend in his heart
Life's blood splashed on his shoes
Each girl, she did her part
He didn't know that he was crying
While he stomped and slashed 'till sore
But he knew those little girls
Were innocent no more
Their footsteps echoed down the hall
He wondered; if this was somehow
The way they would forget
Or were just satisfied for now...
Comments
Hi Gee,
I believe this is close to resolution as well but still leaves room
for a part two which is the way most stories leave off. As a poem,
I felt some of the rhyme to be forced and easy or even expected,
and many of the lines ( I'm speaking of the entire poem not just
focusing on this one part of it) were in need of attention to meter,
but it did fit the story line. As a story, I felt that for people that didn't
already know Killer from previous writes of yours may be a little lost,
but after reading again in its entirety I feel you did let the readers know
just what Killer is all about.
I can see the concern in Killer, he may have initiated a dozen new Killers,
born in blood so to speak.
thanks Gee, enjoyed the story and the time reviewing it.
Richard
i've not...
been at my best lately, and I do see what you mean about the rhyme being forced in places and the metter needing attention. I wii try to give it some TLC. Yes, you did see Killer's concern. I wasn't sure if I had been clear enough on that score, but then again, you are an unusually astute critic. Thanks for the read and the interest in Killer's tale ~ Gee
Moonman gave all the critique on the poetry this needs.
My problem is that several of voices were not clearly assigned. I found myself knowing who spoke the line only after reading the entire line and sometimes not even then.
As far as a climax and resolution that much is abundantly clear. A rather queer tale and not something I would have written, but a clear success in the workshop.
Clarity is the only thing I feel might have been better.
wesley
I will...
work on it. I have tried to show what made Killer who he is. Richard was correct on all scores. Thanks for the critique, Richard and Wesley. ~ Gee