My name is Damien Stryker
In life
A beguiling rogue ,born to royalty
Nary a care in the world
Believing in neither God or Satan
On a ride to my home
A road taken many a times before
My horse began to rear
Ah but what is this I hear
The trees are chanting my name
Voices drew near
Captured
I was set upon an Altar
As a sacrifice to whom
By a pale yellow moon
Slashing from ear to ear
Toe to throat
I became no more
Than a sacrificial goat
Ruby blood covering the altar
No more was my soul immortal
Reborn as the son of Satan
Who will baptize me in blood
An unquenchable thirst
Overcame me
The mere site of crimson flowing
Excites,
What then the purpose
Of my rebirth
Why to wreak havoc
Upon living earth
Comments
Please note
Wesley
I could not find the appropriate menu for this workshop there is not a tab as yet
The workshop is on the drop down now.
The workshop you chose is an old one. You should be able get to the right one now.
To the poem. First, I love a fantasy tale, so you've already got me.
I noticed a flip flop in tenses. This is one of my biggest problems through my large poem. I inadvertently switch back and forth from present to past tense. Your poem seems to be in present tense, but then you have
"voices drew near."
"they slashed from ear to ear."
"Ruby red blood covered the alter."
I believe you effectively changed tense with
"No more was my soul immortal."
That makes baptized work as we are now in the present tense "after" the sacrifice.
Personally, present and past tense have always had it out for me. It is all too easy to slip back and forth without noticing, but I think it is important in any poem. Doubly so in a story.
As for the exposition, I think it works. You've introduced our chief character, quickly explained what sort of weird fix he's in and are now prepared to tell a story with the character.
More importantly, you have me hoping you will finish the tale. I think that's the best guage of success.
Does anyone one else have a thought about the tenses. Did I over react or miss one?
wesley
wesley
Thanks as you say I must do it inadvertently but it still works aha got ya did I well I will wait until others post and it is time for round two
thanks for the input
Chrys
Chyrs
I love this character, and in general i think the poem works, but i think you got a little to caught up with the exposition in the first stanza, it reads a little like a list, and like Wesley I noticed the changes in tense.
Good start
Lou
Lou
Thank for your input . How does one undo a conscienceless problem. Guess I will have to work on that. How would yous suggest I fix the other problem you see. Did I ramble on to much ?
Personally,
I didn't think you rambled. Some of the exposition wasn't as clear as I would like. It took a second read for me to grasp it all, but grasp it I did. I believe that when telling a story however, you really DO have only one chance. The reader has looked at the poem and seen a little more size than your average poem (or a lot more in my case) and is generally unprepared to read it twice to understand. The reader is going to read once and move on in the story. The story drives him/her forward, so clarity is key.
As for fixing the habit of switching tenses I can only offer what I have done. Write a dozen lines then read them solely with an eye to the tense. I'm better now, but I still go through stuff I write and find a dozen different tenses. Since there are strictly speaking only three, I think that's quite an accomplishment.
wesley
Wes
I would say so unless you've come up with other tenses. Lol I don't know maybe I'm am not into writing as much as I should be or once was.
thanks for the input
Chrys
Nice exposition. I didn't
Nice exposition. I didn't think you rambled. You could even give more, but this is ok. The lines I didn't really get (seemed incomplete to me) are quoted:
"A set upon an alter
A sacrifice to whom"
And then you jumped right into a new stanza, so I was left hanging a bit. This piece sets the mood for what I think will be a gory tale. Hope it ends well. I'm looking forward to the first victim...
William
I'm sorry my apologies
the original stanza was
I was set upon an alter
A sacrifice to whom
I hope this clears it up
I'm surprised you were the first one that saw this thank you for ponting it out
I have to go over the next submission to see if it meets the outline
to be honest it is an on going project and does not have an ending as yet
thanks for your insight and unput I appreciate it
Chrys
I think your exposition is set up really well
However I offer some pedantoc revisions:
L4: Change 'neither believing' to 'believing neither'. It just flows a little better in my opinion.
L7: Cut 'on' as first word; it's kind of redundant.
L13+20: Wrong spelling of 'alter', it's 'altar' (don't worry I ALWAYS make that mistake:p)
L15+16: I found who they were sacrificing a little vague. Maybe just repharse a little for clarity.
L20: cut 'red', ruby is sufficient.
L19: repetition of sacrifical as an adjective
L25: maybe 'became' rather than 'overcame'. Just a suggestion.
L26: Wrong spelling of 'site'. Use 'sight'.
L26: Again choose red or crimson. One will be sufficient enough in getting your image across.
Sorry for those^^;!
I really enjoyed this and can't wait to read more:)!
PS. Please excuse any typos; I'm using a different broswer to my usual and it hasn't got spell-checker!
Micelle
You know I made that correction last night but for some reason it did not take it as it was queried by William as well
I was set upon an altar for the purpose of the first part of the workshop ther than the spelling I believe I will leave the rest as if
thanks for picking up on those errors
note spell check does not always work
example the word there and their you may have wanted there but type their spell check see it as correct
or for that matte rthe word Alter and Altar lol
Fixed
I've attempted to use suggestions put forth in this workshop. I hope the edit has improved the work
It works China.
Don't wait for me. If you've more... post it.
And Michelle, I think you've become my moderator. Good suggestions. How about hitting mine? wesley
I don't think...
that Wesley overeacted to the changes in tense. All too often, they can make or break the flow of the poem. [This time, the changes were not real noticable, but they do make a difference].I didn't see any that Wesly missed, so if you fix them, you should be good to go on to the next stage. ~ Geezer
Gee
I did fix them
Hi Chrys,
I think you've led us in the story very well, exposition complete
for me ... there were a couple of suggestions I wanted to leave.
I felt the "in life" unneeded, or be added to previous line.
A road I've taken many a times before ... either, many a time,
or, many times before.
No more was my soul immortal,
Reborn as the Son of Satan ... my question here is the word
immortal, if your soul is immortal, wouldn't the son's be as well?
Perhaps something like; mine for choosing, or along those lines,
I don't know, it was just something that occurred to me while reading,
thought I'd share.
Good theme ... thanks for posting!
Dear Chrys,
I came back to read again, as now I have time to comment. Excellent and interest inducing beginning... Persuasive... YES!
always, eddy styx (& cat)