The unblinking eyes of Killer
glazed with thought in the dark
Thinking thoughts of blackness
of the director of this park
Pre-teens are in favor here
he likes them young and tender
He's supposed to be a good man
Take care of this social-center
Now suddenly, the silence is broken
There are sobs of pain and shame
Whispers of consolation
to a child that will be un-named
A girl runs from the darkness
and in the shadows black
Killer clenches his angry fists
as the Reverend calls; " Come back"
Comments
not a workshop critique,
but a comment from an appreciative reader. I always enjoy "Killer poems" With this section you have set the scene perfectly with enough of a hook to drag the reader into the piece. The Reverend Dirrector is an ominous title. Your rythem and pacing are excellent with your rhymes. I can't hardly wait to read more! I loved the parting lines:
A girl runs from the darkness
and in the shadows black
Killer clenches his angry fists
as the Reverend calls; " Come back"
It gave me chills!
always, Cat (& eddy)
Killer and I...
always apreciate your comments. yes, that was deliberate;leaving it the way I did. Of course you won't be disappointed to learn that Killer disposes of the pervert in his usual fashion. ~ Love ya, ~ Gee
Brevity!
Short. Has Wes seen this? Ok, that's me thinking epics and stuff like that. I admire the brevity of this piece, and its straight-to-the-point-ness. The rhyme is ok. Enough as needed, and it's quite clear that this will be a thrilling write.
This is...
just the beginning of the poem. I think that we are supposed to post it piece by piece. so that each portion can be discussed and critiqued.~ Gee
And I appreciate you posting piece meal.
This is a gas Geez. As an exposition it is surely incomplete, but I can find no flaw in the direction.
It reminds me of Jack Kirby. If someone doesn't know who he was, Jack (the King) Kirby was the creator of Captain America and a slew of other comic creations. You always knew you were beginning a Kirby comic because he started almost everyone of them the same way.
You would open to find a page of six squares with a lead in. Then open to a two page spread with Cap leaping over the heads of a room full of villains with the caption something like- "We'd like to tell you exactly what's going on here, but all Hell's breaking loose for our hero. Hang in there and we'll get you caught up as we go along."
Your poem is an excellent example of something I've not been given the chance to discuss yet. In any tale, our four components do NOT necessarily have to come in order. Geez, your poem begins with a fair bit of complication started up and a little exposition.
Awesome and a tried and true technique of storytelling.
Bravo. Go on. I'm excited.
wesley
Killer is...
excited too! He loves having his stories told. Ok, some more then! ~ Gee