When the time has run it's course forever,
And the earth is old, and full of years,
Let the sun be empty and be ready
For some candy flower and the biscuits.
When all is neat and all is crisp and clean,
Ironed with an eye for clear cut linen,
And the smell of pansies ever potent;
Give the judge and jailer all their money.
When the heart will beat itself from living,
And the eyes with age will fall asleep,
When the dying season is upon us,
And the songs of us abandoned,
Give the gaffer bread with jam and honey,
And the coin to pay the ferry master.
--------------------------------------------
[When] the [time] has [run] [it's] course for[ever],
And the [earth] is [old], and [full] of [years],
[Let] the [sun] be [emp]ty [and] be [rea]dy
For some [can]dy [flo]wer and the [bis]cuits.
When [all] is [neat] and [all] is [crisp] and [clean],
[Ir]oned with an [eye] for [clear] cut [li]nen,
And the [smell] of [pan]sies [ev]er [po]tent;
[Give] the [judge] and [jai]ler [all] their [mon]ey.
[When] the [heart] will [beat] it[self] from [li]ving,
And the [eyes] with [age] will [fall] a[sleep],
[When] the [dy]ing [sea]son is u[pon] us,
And the [songs] of [us] a[ban]doned,
[Give] the [gaf]fer [bread] with [jam] and [ho]ney,
And the [coin] to [pay] the [fe]rry [ma]ster.
Comments
Endless Sleep (Iambic Pentameter)
Endless Sleep
Oh Lord, the light is fading and the room is spinning 'round.
My life before me ending as I watch the rain beat down...
When hearts are heavily laden with haunting fears and pain,
the room is filled with loneliness and sounds of falling rain...
The molten shame of memories, smolder in my private tomb.
The endless roads and streets of hell, that I walk alone;
soon shall be forgotten. I'll embrace the endless sleep.
Faith forsaken, abandoned by all hope,
my dreams have turned to dust.
Deep within this desolation,
my weary spirit knows its destination's thrust..
After years of searching for their rightful place...
All lost sheep come home some day, to the endless sleep.
*I admit openly, that I don't know much about meter of any form. I know that this poem needs lots of help. So please do critique it from start to end. knock me on my butt.
always, Cat
A borrowed, helping hand
Here's a link to Jess's poems that'll help explain. It works best when you try to indicate the stresses in your own poems. Yes, I tried it, and I think I'm getting better at "reading" the meter.
http://new.neopoet.com/comment/56560#comment-56560
Aargh!
Sir William! Sir William! You've got it I think, but even you scanned parts of your poem as something other than trochaic. The first line in the second stanza is iambic and that's precisely how you scanned it. The next line is trochee, but you scanned a choriamb (an accented syllable followed by two unaccented syllables then an accented syllable).
So I'm confused. Your note said you hoped it was all trochaic pentameter. It is not, but you seem to know exactly what it is in every instance.
wesley
You see
I noticed how off I was after the parsing, and I nearly went nuts figuring out what I'd done!
I'm working on a revision that should correct these wrongs.
I'll do better next time. I have to.
But you miss my point.
You scanned everything correctly. You understood what you had written. That's the hard part, the rest is just creative decision making. Knowing what meters existed in your poem means you've got it. wesley
Thanks Wes
I guess reading out to myself helped. I thought my parsing was wrong.
hello
I also noticed the mixed meters but think that whether iambic or trochaic is not where the poem needs help. It seems to trip on lines made longer entirely to fit into a predetermined number of feet. (Is this ME talking about meters and feet? lol). The 1st lines of stanzas one and two really display this unnatural type flow in my opinion, both having an add- on feel to meet a meter. You definately have the parsing down better than I do but by reading aloud to yourself you will probably see the line length trips within...........stan
I must admit
there was some shape-shifting going on. It was a "first" of sorts, and the spells turned out a bit awkward. I needed something to start with before going on. It seems I've gotten some work done. Will do more and post. Probably in iambics. They're so damn natural!
Let's see how it goes if I parse it.
Remember, my attempt is not definitive, poets argue about meter all day, into the night then smash each other with Absinthe bottles. You may find this method of annotation easier and less time consuming.
Gee, thanks Jess
Honestly, half the time I didn't really know what I was doing. I guess I'll just have to keep the practicing going till I actually know when I'm doing this or that.
Thanks. Now I'm really motivated. :)
oh, meter.
there was mixed meter in here, and i don't think it was that bad because the two different types (trochaic and dactylic?) fit together for the most part. some lines, however, didn't fit together (maybe it's just me)--