Thinking can be the way of hurting, self
Self-knowledge is lost to the self-learning
Exploring all avenues is the road
When the eyes are open the rest will flow
The juices of understanding are warm
Taken in as hot medicinal tea
The healing of self is in the knowledge
Drink from the fountain and explore it all.
Neopoet is for me the fountain
Growing in my brain with great expansion.
The new megabytes have started a fire
Which will not be ignored by a closed mind
Maybe, More Meter is the catalyst
Where my writing will finally expand
Jan 17, 2012
More Meter a real try,
About This Poem
Last Few Words: the truth will set my mind free, bring it!
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Ed,
It took me a while to understand the meter, and I have to admit that I ended up counting on my fingers to figure out what you were doing.
But man, this is good, it flows along extremely well, and better poets than I must tell you what if anything is wrong with this, for I cannot find anything.
Jim,
before I comment on yours I read both Wes and yours. Jim I think you were nice because you know me a long time. pleae forget the long time and bring it. I need all the help that is possible. Hahaha!
Eddie lost like Marys iamb.
I am not that better poet,
but I'll give it a go. Eddie, the problem I see here is that you did not settle on one meter or another.
Here is your first line scanned the way I see it-
Thinking/ can be/ the way/ of hur/ting, self
So the first foot is trochee as the first syllable is accented in "thinking" followed by the unaccented syllable. The rest is iamb. The second line is a little prickly, but presents sort of the same thing. Here it is scanned as iamb.
Self-know/ledge is/ lost to/ the self/-learning
At the end of the line you force yourself to pronounce "learning" by accenting the second syllable instead of the first or throw most of the rest of your meter out the window. Also (and this is not cut and dried), I would say "is lost" by accenting "lost", but you must accent "is". I am of course assuming this is a shot at an iambic line. If it's not then you need to reverse everything I just said. For example, your first line again, but this time I scan it as trochee (an accented syllable followed by an unaccented syllable)-
Thinking/ can be/ the way/ of hur/ting self Here I'm accenting the second syllable in hurting which doesn't work and accenting "can" instead of "be" which is problematic.
Now scanned as iamb-
Thinking/ can be/ the way/ of hur/ting self So now I'm accenting the second syllable of "thinking" which doesn't jive.
Of course we all read poetry of quality that mixes meter throughout, but for the workshop this one needs to be revisited.
I hope I'm not being a turd, but your note said for me to bring the truth and this is how I see it. Each line in the poem has generally one instance where you switched meter.
wesley
damn,
that's a mouth full. Oh yeah I meant to tell you, part of the time I live in Studio City.
Now to it, I re-read what you mentioned here. I see I have to take a break just to study what you're saying. this is the first time I try this. I usually write by the sound I here in my head. di Dum di di, di Dum di di, di di di Dum.
so there's the first problem. I think partly in english and the rest is in spanklish. talk about a mess. but some how it works for me. I am starting to get this with your help. oh shit did I say i'm getting it. F-me. now it's getting interesting. thanks I will attempt it with your words in mind.
Eddie
...
Don't panic.
I went through the same thing seven years ago and it was goofy trying to hear what every other poet around me felt was obvious. I have just told a young lady at my ranch who I am helping that it's like the "riding the bike" thing. Once it hits, it will never go away. In fact it will haunt you in every word you speak.
wesley
thanks,
beside losing my hair behind this, you say i will be haunted. for F-sake it just can't be this hard.
thanks for the help, it is appreciated!
Eddie
...
Sorry, Eddie, I can't parse this.
The meter is irregular, though as Wesley says, it works in its way.
Iambic lines start with unstressed syllables and end with stressed ones.
Wesley explained it well, read his feedback carefully, he is spot on.
Most importantly Iambic/Anapestic rarely mix well with Trochaic/Dactylic.
Try another one, maybe just five lines,
and try to stick to strict Iambic meter. Trimeter or Tetrameter might help.
hello Eddie
I can't count the number of times I've written something that "sounds" right in my head only to read it out loud and think 'How could I have missed that?" At least for this shop I would recommend not only your reading it out loud but maybe have someone else read it out loud. That way yuo'll dodge the pitfall of subconsciously adding the stresses where you want them instead of where they actually are. Pay particular attention to 1st 2 words of each line as they usually set the pace for the rest of the line. Oh yeah, maybe it would help to think in terms of accented syllables instead of stressed. Now I'll go to my paltry submission and see how badly I messed up lol...........stan