Far down the vale slow death has wrought from time
no offers tempt an extra hour of life
no promise makes new offerings of strife
seem real enough to take from what is left
before the water's icy shock makes sear
of power slammed into a pounding chest
by Science seem as pure as fleeing soul.
And laying on wet carpet floor still caught
within the shudder Of electric burn
means wondering if life and limb are still
connected, or if what still twitches is
the certainty of life's quick flowed escape
before the mind can grasp what happened in
the shower on a Tuesday afternoon.
Comments
Hi Mark,
The heartbeat was what was intended, as I thought iambic pentameter lent itself to the 'da-Dum da-Dum' of pounding heart. It was intended to have an inexhorable quality, a feeling of unrelenting force.
Glad you liked it.
another interesting one,
i find it interesting that you used ten words in the first line then nine in the rest of the lines, and yet some of the stress points differed at different points. i notice that on some the stress was in the first word on others the second word. I am still a little confused with this, are there peramaters we must stick too. or can we stress at different points depending on the jest of the poem. (I am talking about first words) I am under the asssumtion that it is not the first word. i am just going by the examples given by Jess. HELP!!
Eddie
...
Hi Eddie,
as I understand it, iambic pentameter is about the stress on word sounds, and not the words themselves. This is why the first line contains ten words, while others do not:
far DOWN the VALE slow DEATH has WROUGHT fromTIME
no OFF-ers TEMPT an EX-tra HOUR of LIFE
no PRO-mise MAKES new OFF-er-INGS of STRIFE....
and so on, where each new line starts with the 'da-DUM'.
Did I get it right, or am I just kidding myself? lol.
ahhh,
your just kidding yourself, but I believe what you wrote in your comment so if you are I'm F-UP. thanks Bud!
Hahaha!
Eddie
...
LMAO!!!
LMAO!!!
another interesting one,
i find it interesting that you used ten words in the first line then nine in the rest of the lines, and yet some of the stress points differed at different points. i notice that on some the stress was in the first word on others the second word. I am still a little confused with this, are there peramaters we must stick too. or can we stress at different points depending on the jest of the poem. (I am talking about first words) I am under the asssumtion that it is not the first word. i am just going by the examples given by Jess. HELP!!
Eddie
...
Dear Jim,
This piece is quite frightening! (because I realize it is written from personal experience!) I don't feel that I have the knowledge to comment on the meter. But I wanted you to know that I am here reading. I could identify with the content of this shocking piece, especially:
And laying on wet carpet floor still caught
within the shudder Of electric burn
means wondering if life and limb are still
connected, or if what still twitches can
be the certainty of life's quick escape
before the mind can grasp what happened in
the shower on a Tuesday afternoon.
always, Cat
Thanks Cat
It's supposed to be iambic pentameter, 5 'da-Dum's per line!
Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for reading.
wow
quite a powerful piece you have there. as far as i can tell the rythym is constant throughout. nice job.
always,
mag
Thanks Maggie,
I had to do a lot of editing on this, to make it flow. meter is a bit like rhyme in this respect, for me, I have to work at it. I am beginning to think that tam The Chanter is right, and that meter and rhyme really are what make a poem memorable!
Thanks again.
Meter is our bread and butter.
I have two thoughts here. First, I'm pleasantly surprised you pronounced "hour" as a diphthong (one syllable and not two). I believe that is how it would be pronounced in my dialect (Southern Californian, which means I don't have a dialect).
However, line 5 second stanza requires I stress the second syllable of "certainty" which I feel is wrong. Otherwise, the rest of the poem is iambic pentameter. I think you should have dared trochee or anapest Jim.
wesley
Wes,
Southern Californians have no accent? LOL!
Line 5 was always problematic. To me, the stress falls naturally on the second syllable (cer-Tain-ty), but somehow the whole line seems off, as if it does not contain the stresses that it does have when I examine it rather than speak it, if you see what I mean. I'm thinking that it's the strong consanant at the beginning (Be) that throws things off on this line. I've tried re-writing it a couple of times, to no avail. But, i'll try again.
Thanks Wes.
I do see what you mean.
Since you're about five light years off (which would make you Centauri Prime or Alpha Centauri) I don't know what your dialect is. I'm assuming English would be a second language, but Centaurians still would have their own unique accent (get it? accent? poetic accent? never mind).
I believe you are correct in assuming the strong accent on "be" throws the line out of whack. I have never heard "certainty" pronounced any other way but with an accent on the first syllable however, I have heard Brits pronounce things so different from my experience in the past that I hesitate to be positive.
wesley
Actually
English is my 91.7th language... point 7 because I'm still learning.
Seriously though, I live in Northwest Indiana, but was raised in Northern England and Scotland, which probably accounts for the differences; 'certainty' starts with a soft consonant, so the 'T' is stressed, if that makes any sense.
I'm going to re-write line 5 sometime tonight when I have time.
Let's parse this bugger
Far down/ the vale/ slow death/ has wrought/ from time
no off/ers tempt/ an ext/ra hour/ of life
no prom/ise makes/ new off/erings/ of strife
seem real/ enough/ to take/ from what/ is left
before/ the wat/er's ic/y shock/ makes sear
of pow/er slamm/ed in/to a pound/ing chest
by Sci/ence seem/ as pure/ as flee/ing soul.
And lay/ing on/ wet carp/et floor/ still caught
within/ the shudd/er Of/ elect/ric burn
means wond/ering/ if life/ and limb/ are still
connect/ed, or/ if what/ still twitch/es is
the cert/ainty/ of life's/ quick flowed/ escape
before/ the mind/ can grasp/ what happ/ened in
the show/er on/ a Tues/day aft/ernoon.
Voila! Iambic Pentameter with a few unobrtusive Anapests thown in.
And a bloody good write.
Thanks Jess,
I was wondering about the anapests, if they really fit in, but it seems that the rest of the meter serves to fit the anapests into the constraints required.
Just have to say
I realy enjoy this piece. It's very descriptive, I imagined myself there. My only gripe, and it's a small one, is the lack of punctuation. I know, I know, each to there own as far as poetry goes, i just want to breath:)
@ Jess: would you mind pointing out these pesky Anapests for us?
Cheers, for a great poem there Jim
peace, another Jimbo
funny!
I could have sworn they were there a minute ago! Blame my blurry eyes.
The styles mix differently
Iambic da DUM, mixes well with Anapaestic da da DUm
but they both mix badly with Trochaic, DUM da and Dactylic DUM da da
can you see how they clash?
Thanks Jim,
I know, I'm often criticized for not having enough punctuation. The truth is I often try to avoid it, because I want the reader to find their own punctuation when reading.
hello
better late than never. I'm a strange guy in which I have a mixed accent. Although predominately southern I still have a bit of lingering southern California from being there during early childhood. Thus hour, orange and a few others come out as 1 syllable instead of 2 which is how most southerners would pronounce them. So single syllable with hour(our) instead of (owah) sounds fine to me. As to certainly, I often have said and heard it spoken with different syllables accented according to level of emotion expressed. This is the type thing that makes parsing so inexact and subjective. But this reads as iambic to me even with the strong consonant in Be.........stan
Stan, your longer comments are a wall of words.
Use paragraph breaks and line breaks between. I promise people will read your comments more carefully.
Anapests are da da Dum
they work will with Iamic, da Dum.
but they clash horribly with Trochaic DUM da and Dactylic Dum da da
LOL
Stan, I read Jess's comment about your comment.
I'll say this. I find more value in what you post concerning my efforts than I do in many others, so damned well post how you wish. I always read them.
ello Hun
I read the title and knew straight away what it was about, it makes it all the more frightening, you came that close
<<<<<hugs>>>>>
its a great poem it made my gut clench
with love JC xxxx