Fusion
(Houston... We Have Fusion...)
I am
extended
consciousness
a flowing river
streaming delicious
transforming always
this lovely moment of being
I am living in your tangible thought us
alive in your consuming emotion,
reborn in our desire.
Suspended around you
Your spell spins me into finest filament
weaving me through and around your essence.
Your spill, ingressive tidal current
awash in our tangle of limbs
kisses and tiny bits of stardust
Comments
Cat
The theme is good for this one, it needs a tidy and some of the lines you are thinking too much on what to say instead of letting go with what you really think.
If you get what I mean, there is a whole universe of feelings waiting for your pen, Yours ian.T
Dearest Ian,
I am not quite understanding what you are saying. Could you pleas clearify by giving me an example? Thank you so very much for taking the time to read ancritique.
Much love to you, and have a very Happy New Year!
always, Cat
Cat
Can't really put my mind to the reality here but if I have read wrong then we shall dream on, I cant even go where this voyage has taken the persons or the thoughts that are there , I can only scratch at the edges of the ultimate journey of a joined Spirit moving on a physical plain...
I drink of your consciousness
Extended, flowing as a river
Streams of freshness
Steaming continuously,
Always transforming,
this lovely moment of being....
Yours is probably the right one on this subject I think I will go and seek out a dark room lol.
Take care, if my comment is wrong, I will edit my reply, Yours Ian.T
Dearest Ian,
I thank you for all the work you have done on my poem! You put a lot of thought and energy into your answer, and I greatly appreciate it. I need a few days to think about it and give it a few rereads.
Thank you gentle friend,
:) Cat
Hello Cat,
I didn't understand the "Mirror/rorriM" part of the title. Not to worry though, it drew me to the poem.
Your language use: this feels very different from your usual work, but I like it very much. Regarding what Ian told you, I think he's right, you try to describe what you feel with words that don't need to be used. For example,
"alive in your consuming emotion,
reincarnated in our desire."
The word "reincarnated" says exactly what needs to be said, but look,
"alive in your consuming emotion,
re-born in our desire."
improves the flow, and the cadence, without changing the meaning.
I leave the rest to your edit, looking forward to it!
I like the pacing of this, but I think it will improve with your edit.
Do I like the theme? LOL is that a rhetorical question? You are getting better at writing this kind of poetry, Candlewitch.
And yes, the internal logic is consistent.
I enjoyed this a lot, and am looking forward to your edit, as I said.
Dear Jim,
Thank you for your critique. I'm not sure I understand all that has been said. I have asked a person with a less messy mind than mine to unravel it for me. I feel like such a dunce, lol! I'm sure both you and Ian both know what you are talking about.
Mirror/rorriM isthe title of a book that I (as Caitlin Mattison) am working on. When I get it finished, I will have it published. I can't let eddy styx have all the fun, now can I!
always, Cat
Hey Cat
i love this one the lines are short and snappy. Sorry but I can't do a crit because I wouldn't change a thing.
Lou
Thanks Lou,
But I plan to give Ian and Jim's critique good consideration and will quite possibly take their kindly advice. Thank you for your continued support and liking me for who I am...a flawed poet and human being. Love Ya!
always, Cat
Sorry
Im just crap at giving you a crit lmao
Lou xx
'''''''alive in your consuming emotion,.......''''
only one who has experienced
can visualize or
conceptualize the ecstasy contained herein
Dear Loved,
;) you've got that right!!! Thank you for understanding and reading my poem. i'm still working on it,though. Will have it resolved in a day or two.
always, Cat
Love this- a few suggestions, including Ian and Jim's
Firstly I would remove the double spacing, which gives the shaped feel more strongly and a better sense of the gestalt. Which immediately makes the whole poem read a lot better.
Fusion
(Houston... We Have Fusion...)
I am
extended
consciousness
[a] flowing river
streaming delicious
continuous, [could lose this]
transforming always
this lovely moment of being.... [ellipsis detracts]
I am living in your tangible thought of "us" [inverted commas detract]
alive in your consuming emotion,
reincarnated in our desire. [I like Jim's re-born]
Suspended above and beneath you. [Suspended around you?]
Your spell spins me into finest filament
weaving me through and around your essence.
Your spill, ingressive tidal current
awash in a tangle of our limbs [awash in our tangle of limbs ?]
*kisses and tiny bits of stardust... [* and ellipsis detract]
See, not many actual changes for significant improvement in coherence and flow. Hope this helps.
(((Jess!)))
I cannot thank you enough for your suggestions which I have followed to the letter! Great critique, nicely done with clearity. So a muddle head like me could understand. (still having a bit of trouble with my comprehension and concentraition) I really like your style of critique.
Thanks so much,
Cat
my very great pleasure my dear
call any time
Thank you again
:)
always, Cat
As Jess...
... I think the spacing is unnecessary. I wouldn't change a thing either. Curious though, what is the asterisk before kisses for?
wesley
Hello wesley,
I removed the double spacing as Jess suggested and utilized his other suggestions. I think I have a much better poem due to his and others suggestions :) The *asterisk was meant to be an after thought. Thank you for reading my poem and commenting. It is nice to meet you!
always, Cat
Cat
Perfect as usual. One question though is that supposed to be tangible thought us or tangible thoughts?
Hey Chrys!
It is supposed to be tangible thoughts, but the other would work too, in this case, LOL! Thanks for reading and commenting!
always, Cat