Our land is plague by violence
Insensitive to sanctity of human life
We grieve and suffer in silence
From bloody coups to civil war
Robbery movies enacted in real life
Road carnage tripled by broken tar
Political and religious riots take turns
Bomb blasts by Boko Haram exact fear
Senseless bangs, the nation helplessly burns
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
nice use of rhyme and near rhyme,
you're getting the hang of it, it contributes rather than detracts to the power of this piece. Admirable content and brevity too. Some nice use of assonance and consonance too.
My only hesitation is the use of the word 'bangs' in the last line. It is not strong enough, almost childish, although I can't seem to think of anything better,
Thank you…
I have been experimenting on new forms lately in an attempt to improve on my writing, thanks and best wishes
tr
How about...
... "reports"? As in "Mad reports" or "Crazed reports" (I don't like that one) or "Numb reports" or "Rash reports"? Anything?
I only have one problem here. Since you used such a consistent rhyme scheme, it bothers me that "war" and "tar" don't rhyme. It sort of stuck out at me.
wesley
Yes, a little forced...
and I have been thinking of a better word to replace the one sticking out. Once something better gets into my head I will effect the change. Thank you and best wishes.
tr
Yes T. Rex....
...it stuck out @ me, too. Other than that, an overall nice effort.
Sincerely,
doc.
my appreciation
thanks for the comments, best wishes.
tr