I've marked myself up;
the evidence of two years passed-
but i can't see how time keeps on keeping on
when there is so much want between two places, so far away.
two places, tethered by a feeling
only known to one.
But we were just so close.
If i could reach out just a little more, i could touch your hand,
but it seems as though there's a mountain between us.
i don't know what love is,
and i do know that this feeling hasn't yet reached my toes.
maybe with time it will,
and maybe it will recede back into the corner of my heart where it began.
i've realized that it doesn't matter though.
i've got bruises and nicks and blisters, all scarred over,
to prove my time.
and as long as our fingers are tied with the same string,
i could never forget.
Dec 21, 2011
Either Way
About This Poem
Last Few Words: my mother says that when you want to be with someone with every inch of you, you can feel it with everything and in your fingers and toes, you're in love. the string is in reference to tying string around your finger to remember something.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
sorry but retch
sorry, and especially sorry if I got this wrong, but you seem to be justifying, even glorying in self harm.
I've marked myself up;
the evidence of two years passed-
i've got bruises and nicks and blisters, all scarred over,
to prove my time.
Really well written but to me, unless, as I say, I got it completely wrong, the content is justifying a practice that is understandable, I've done it myself, but ultimately awful. There are much better ways to deal with pain.
It could be justified as merely descriptive but don't you think you owe it to yourself and your reader to go beyond that?
whoa
goodness no! i meant i've been an idiot that does stupid things that leave marks! i fell off my bike going REALLY fast this summer and that left scars all over. and i really didn't do that on purpose! it's just a way to say i've changed over two years. there are scars on my knuckles that weren't there before :) that's all it really means. gawsh, i didn't even think of it that way...
my deep and sincere apologies
I only open my mouth to change feet.
Though can you see how I got that meaning from it?
gosh
i really don't see how i didn't catch that. well, if there was ever a time to smack myself in the forehead...
smack?
hurting yourself now wouldn't help but, rather, strengthen the idea that you like to hurt yourself.
funny, though.
i agree with elf here, the
i agree with elf here, the piece did seem to indicate a little self mutilation as a direct result of love being lost. but interps are personal and i tend to get some wrong here and there.
a little closer to prose here, but a little work is almost always needed.
changing feet, elf? sounds eerily familiar. lol
keep 'em coming!
credit on the run
live a charmed life and never see the bruise
sit on deck enjoy the cruise
the rail leaner keener
oh Ive got breaks and scars
played and busted like a street guitar
ive come that far
climb a tree to touch the sky
and sometimes one comes down
that risk thats frisky
slow and sweet
one string to bind us
one string to remind us
Love your work True and gritty
daring and risky!!!