Frail, delicate, beautifully tender
Steals into life a thornless flower.
Bereft, hopeless craves for a mother
Cursed, gets spleen, lifelong hunger
Heinous, uncaring nature to discover
Sprouting up into a paling colour
Precious dreams slowly melt into vapour
Bleak , sorely dying stalks wither
Soft fry, street old stager
lives and dies, utter stranger.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hello
My first response to this poem is, the structure is quite unique. Not that I haven't met this style of expression before, but then, many do not use it.
I got lost as I entered the third and fourth lines of the first stanza. I do not see exactly how the "Bereft, hopeless craves for a mother" fits into the narrative. It's a bit odd, that at this stage, the "flower" should be bereft of a mother. An explanation will be welcome.
The first word of the fourth line comes across as a bit too harsh, and for some reason, I cannot make sense of "gets spleen,...".
I imagine (and do correct me if I'm wrong) that your focus was more on meter and rhyme than actual content, as a line or too seems a bit forced, though no harm whatsoever is done to the peace.
If you could re-write this piece (in another post! not editing this one completely, because it's quite brilliant) for its message, and not its structure, I'll be pleased.
Thanks and welcome to this site :D
hello
This poem is very effective, the short sharp punctuation it adds strength . I like the vocabulary that you have used, and it reads well. But the last line of the first stanza feels like it needs a tweak, maybe you could say something like 'vents spleen'. I also think the poem needs to be a little longer, it does'nt feel finished.
lou
William and Lou gave good feedback
I'll only add, I like the poem, the imagery is effective, but at times the language is so terse as to read almost like a list.
This is one I think you could make into something really substantial with a little editing.