he is outspoken
but too many words have gone unsaid
she's in his heart
he's in her head
they're broken, lying in their bed
so he said
could you love me?
i'm so lonely
push is coming to shove
who have you been dreaming of?
are you sure
am i still yours?
why don't you leave me, lovely
'cause you've drugged me
with your moonlight
with your eyes
i guess we're no surprise
coming undone.
Last Few Words: this may be a failed attempt at combining two different works that i didn't finish. still working on the rythym and the breaks; it doesn't make a whole lot of sense just yet.
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Sorry if this sounds patronising
but this is surprisingly sophisticated poetry, ideas and language. From someone who calls themselves 'emogothgirl' I expected more self-indulgent self-cutting stuff.
about the username...
i started posting like two years ago and i dont know how to change it! i'm really not like that, i write what i and others feel, no matter what that may be though. when the time calls i write about cutting. i don't, never have(on purpose anyways, i have a big scar on my thumb to prove it :)) but i know the feeling. you don't have to do it to get the same emotional result.
ah, thank you
and I apologise for assumptions based on username. Naming is powerful magic in all cultures.
I'm sooooooooooooooo glad,
I'm sooooooooooooooo glad, you're writing first, trying to make sense afterwards. This is the muse speaking through *you*.
I don't know much about you so I can't be patronizing but I know a good poem when I read one.
~A
I saw an interesting TED TALK
I saw an interesting TED TALK with Elizabeth Gilbert, talking about *Nurturing Creativity* that I think you'll appreciate. I loved her book "Eat Pray and Love"; the movie of the same name did justice to the book.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86x-u-tz0MA
~Anna
oooh, interesting...
i just got the chance to watch that video and i'm glad you told me about it! i found it really interesting; Gilbert brings some important points to the table. thank you!
I tried hard...
to find something to criticise here, so I settled for a niggling thing. I didn't want to just seem like an echo to the rest of them. I stumbled a little on the lines:
why don't you leave me, lovely
'cause you've drugged me
with your moonlight
with your eyes ; until I realised that it was a question and then an answer. Maybe there is something you can do to keep others from the same mistake? Maybe leave a blank line between the question and the answer?
Nice work, ~ Geezer
Hello gothgirl,
Your attempt at putting two poems together is...
a distinct success.
This is very good, with strong emotions, and a sense of inevitability, of fate, that I really enjoy. As Jess said, this is sophisticated.
My only criticism is the last stanza; the word "lovely" does not seem to fit, for me.
Most excellent.
I fear my echo.
A surprisingly subtle and expansive piece considering its size. Geezer mentioned a problem and if you've read any of my other responses you'll know already what I shall suggest... a question mark.
I'm not sure what you may do to improve this, but I will look in on it again to see.
wesley
Emotion
It sounds like the words are coming straight from inside onto page.
i like the thought of this.
A really nice poem.
Z.S Godfrey