A delicate rose,
memories drifting.
Alas, November rain.
Free Haiku (C) Maref
Nov 26, 2011
Free Haiku
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
I got...
the picture right away! Very effective Haiku! ~ Geezer
Thank you
For passing.
I'm on a vacation this week and I will try to get involved in this chat when I come back.
I appreciate your invitation very much.
A good haiku, works as a moment, an image and a thought
somehow I feel it could be just a bit better.
It's the first line bothers me
A delicate rose,
is just a tad cliche, perhaps there is another way to state its ephemerality? Maybe even
ephemeral rose
or
lingering rose
or
now, a rose
just some thoughts.
Good Suggestion, thank you.
I used to use difficult words in my free verses, but somehow this "Haiku" worded simply... I like your first suggestion, but somehow there is a simile here (the beloved is as tender as the rose and unable to hold more pain) that is why I chose "delicate"...
Feel free to share me the thoughts, always.
and perhaps a less delicate western phrase
"Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater"
yes, you got it right first time, as a haiku should be,
but thank you for considering my thoughts.