Her weak eyes could hardly see
I had to show her where to sign
if it hadn't been for me
it would have been blank...that dotted line
She doesn't need a vacuum
with a power-cord and more
to clean the threadbare carpet
covering her floor
It picks up all the cat-hair
with this attachment, don't you see
Of course, it will cost extra...
just a little fee
As I leave her cold apartment
I'm having no regret
I've sold more than all the others
and I've won our little bet
Last Few Words: This one is in response to Jess's challenge to write something that will offend everyone. I thought that maybe duping a little old lady into buying an expensive vacuum that she doesn't need and can't afford, would be more offensive than a cannibal-killer-chef. "Which doesn't seem to bother most people here." ~ Gee
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hmmm.....
There were a few lines I would have written differently but the changes would not improve this only make it different. As to offending everybody, there is a pretty big gap between distasteful and universally offensive. You need to do better in relating to the reader on a personal level which is much more difficult. But I did like the point of view of a heartless salesman.............stan
Now that...
I've had the chance to reflect on it and see your point, I will try harder to offend everyone. Thanks for the read and critique. ~ Gee
A completely foul poem. You win.
no redeeming features. except perhaps good meter and rhyme.
Have you seen the movie "Vacuuming Completely Nude in Paradise"? It reminds me of that. But there at least the second protagonist had the decency to feel guilty about fucking a retarded girl and selling vacuum cleaners to retards who couldn't afford them.
Stilll, I would put a but of social conscience in this, if I could, but it's up to you.
After reading...
Stan's comments, I thought it might be much harder to win than this. So I wrote another that is almost certain to offend most everyone! I think you will like that one much better Jess. I will however, work on this in the future. ~ Gee
At times
offensiveness pays,
it places the opponent ,
in a defensive position
You excel
Dear Sir Gee,
I enjoyed your poem greatly. I think it was highly imaginative and off the beaten path. One never knows exactly what will offend whom, LOL!
always, Cat
Thanks...
I think that I was more offended than most everyone else, but it was a story taken from real life. I was being trained by a slick salesman who thought more of his sales record than the people he sold to. I was so disgusted by him and his tactics, that I quit the next day! ~ Gee