I am taught
to practice apathy
before empathy
carefully think through
every decision
never leap
so I will never fall.
I never do this
I always keep compassion
I always care
I always think
I jump
and try not to be afraid
for if you never fall
you will carry
a greater hurt with you
forever
and in that way
you have never stopped falling.
Last Few Words: my mother thinks that i should put myself before everyone else. i think that's stupid.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Hello,
I like your title, it is simple and to the point. Your flow and pacing is good. I like the premise for the poem. Good work here.
on your note: sometimes it is appropriate to put yourself before others, but not always. It depends upon what each situation calls for.
always, Cat
I have lived...
by those words for a long time now. I am reminded of an old adage; "put yourself in his shoes." I always try to "do unto others" as I want them to do to me. Sometimes it doesn't work out, but the times that do, are most rewarding. Good poem. ~ Gee
Almost a maxim.
I'm too much the coward to live by such words. Alas. wesley
Let me add...
I'm not always nice! But most times, when I have the chance to think before I act, I try hard to do as those words say. ~ Gee
ah, well. we are only human
ah, well. we are only human after all. i myself admit that the word "always" may not fit here.
thank you!
-maggie
hi
I liked the theme, but the poem it'self does not flow. even if you write a free verse, for me it must have some sort of rythm.
I feel the central portion of the poem should be a seperate stanza it could que easily be a chorus to some lyrics.
Lou
ok
thanks! i understand the need for a rythym, but sometimes there's no right way to put it. i've got to just write it down and sort out the mess later :) as for making the part of the poem into a song, the wheels are turning...
-maggie
The only thing I would change
The only thing I would change is the last line: from you to: I will never stop falling...putting it all into its proper *perspective*, so to speak.
~A
Sort out the mess later...
Indeed. I agree. Faulkner once said that when you begin... "just write. Don't think, don't feel, just write." Then the poet may return and reparation is easier (I think) than the initial creation. I agree with lou that even in free verse meter is important. In fact I think it may be more important in free verse than more traditional forms, but often (and this is how I do it) the poet must "go with the flow", get it on paper and allow the luxury to return.
Concerning this piece, I don't think there is so much trouble with meter as with the line breaks. I surely don't know how I would change it, but a thought in that direction might be helpful.
I've recently decided to break a long standing tradition of mine to not post rough drafts. The latest canto in my overlong epic is terribly rough, but I'm posting it here at Neo (nowhere else) because that is the nature of the site. To take what we "just wrote", offer it and better armed continue to change the poem.
Good discussion.
wesley