some seek for a grasp of infinity
through the supposed god of the trinity
which frankly bears no affinity
to this mythology known as divinity
one can get close to the vicinity
with the joyous loss of virginity
and no shame of your masculinity
if we embrace the planet with dignity
Comments
Though this is a poem about
Though this is a poem about sublimity, it was anything but sublime.
Quit trying to compromise yourself,. and let the poems flow downstream. There's a middle way.
May you find it.
~A
so true, Anna
I am working on construction of poetry since my muse has departed.
An analogy-: if someone has a stroke through much discipline they can re-wire their brain and regain much of their functionality. Yet I also need to relax and let it happen more.
I will find it
Hell, what do Ihave to lose.
Hell, what do Ihave to lose. Do I dare ? You bet. Here is my critque:
There are those who seek infinity
in the God of the Holy Trinity
to discover the sublimity of Being
in the shadows of some Divinity
but the bliss of innocence
is lost to suffering in all knowing
for what we seek in the divine
is our own mind's dreaming
POINT MADE: I think, Jess, that we both wrote "less than good" poetry here.
True, Joe
I'll write this one off as an exercise.
Don't throw this away., just
Don't throw this away., just rework it. You have the skills.
Sounds like...
you need to bludgeon your muse with something other than a wet noodle Jess. She/he/it, isn't giving you due respect. ~ Gee
A half-brick might do the job,
thanks Gee.
I'm sorry Jess,
but I liked it. A little Ogden Nash like. Absolutely irreverent, bordering on the stupid silly and yet containing nuggets of truth. If your muse is broken, might I suggest origami? It will piss you off so badly that your imagination will run to get back to the poetry.
wesley
origami is physically impossible for me
I have a tremor condition, it's slow even typing correctly. I play pretty good chess (when I don't knock over the pieces) but am the world's worst jenga player. Maybe I'll try sudoku, that should achieve the effect!
Thanks for the encouragement. I seldom get as consistently negative critique as on this one, but I can't deny any of it.
And do thank you all for the care and acknowledgement given that I can do much better.
-ity carries the day...
The layout tops the day since this is an experiment and I would say you have done a great job here, I like it. Whether or not we agree with the content or the world view expressed in this piece, it shows the hand of a good craftsman. Well dine.
tr
thank you King of the Tyrant Lizards!
(forgive me, because of the natural contraction of your name, to my eye is from t. reflexion to t. rex hence tyrannouaus rex.) Yet it does not intimidate me, we are both warriors.
thank you
This sounds good
The first stanza is good. The images of lost souls looking for spiritual guidance ring clear to me. But then I maybe off in my understanding.
the last stanza seem to have been force to rhyme with the first. For ex. Virginity, masculinity seems to be be out of place with what I understand the meaning to be. I maybe wrong, so I would appreciate knowing the interpretation of the last stanza and how the flow fit with the first stanza
The last stanza refers to the spirituality of sexuality
Yes, it is all a bit forced, I was trying to write a poem with all rhyming triple rhymes.
rhyming
The rhyming was good. In this case I believe spirituality has nothing to do with sexuality, but then the both can come together in poetry .
Virginity I think relates with the chasteness of a young girl and the purity of approaching god.
Whereas masculinity gives a totally different meaning. I would thing masculinity is the males imagined ability to stand up to god or take on god's role as head of his families interest as god does the interest of the his people. i realize our belief in relegion differ, but this poem has a quality i find astounding.
good critique
and interesting interpretation, I value your opinion.,
thank you
One of my favorite words is...
...muliebrity. wesley
eeeek!
I am usually surprised to hear words I don't know, I have a superlative vocabulary, but this one shocked me. I guess I made an instant association in my mind with an inebriate mule.
I get a new favourite word every few days, seldom more than an aphorism
today it is
pharmaceutical girl
.
i'm still a bit new to this,
i'm still a bit new to this, but i felt the rhyming scheme over-powered the poem itself. it is a good read, but after a few lines it feels like 'look how many -inity words i can use', kinda like the 'look how many V-words i used' from the 'V for Vendetta' speech.
still a good read tho.
spot on, it was a rhyming exercise,
the theme came naturally to the rhymes and I think I nearly got away with it if the second stanza could work better.
Personally...
... I think the thing worked out just fine. With such a rhyme scheme, no reader is going to look at the poem as a great, serious work. The most you can hope for is to throw a pithy thought to them that catches them off guard. Probably what Ogden Nash tried to do in the majority of his work. The poem is a toy with a slight serious edge of reality. I wouldn't change a thing.
wesley