The Nomad Flute (by WS Merwin for workshop)

of puncuation and capitals throws it off for me. "once there were lions in china". Where the hell did that line come from? Is it meant to throw you off balance? If it is, it sure does! ~ Gee

A poet that did not capitalize the first letter of each line. Unfortunately, I agree with Geezer that Merwin's disdain of punctuation period (get it?) causes the poem to run into itself. This poet is too much of a hippie for me I'm afraid. It's just too "out there" for my common sensibilities. If I had to rewrite this thing, I wouldn't know where to start.
wesley

Thank you for posting this piece from Merwin which
I personally love. He broke some rules of the last century
in this piece using abstractions, I'm always glad to see a
poet with clout going against the grain. I too feel the power
of the piece is terribly inhibited by the lack of punctuation,
but I'm sure when he read it aloud, it sang out with power.
The Chinese people have for at least a thousand years used
lions in pottery, and statues that are called Shishi, or the Imperial
Guards that line the gates to many of the older buildings. I'm
thinking the point of that line is "after all, who knows, perhaps,
once there were lions in China"

Great title for this poem, strong ending, just the lack of punctuation
that hurts it for me, thanks for posting it Anna, totally enjoyed the read.

Richard

When I have read some of the canto of my big poem, the people listening (all of whom have read what I was then reading) have precisely the same comment- "I don't remember all of that being in there."
Reading our poetry to someone allows the poem to be offered as "we" hear it in our heads. Whatever truth or existential glory the poem has will be revealed best by the poet reading it.
However, most poems are not read aloud. We plop them on the page with all of the little marks to lead our reader where we wish them to go and hope for the best.
Reality bites.

wesley

I have a little trouble with your concept. I understand your point, but the above line is enjambment. The two lines are one.

"I have with me all that I do not know." This of course needs no punctuation, but again enjambment. The two are one. If he will flow from one line to the next uninterrupted, then he "may" do so in all lines. I know what you're getting at and I have no trouble reading this poem, understanding this poem, but his thoughts are so ethereal they find no appreciation in me.

What the poet intends in the written word (the vast, vast majority of all poetry) is not necessarily aided by an unwillingness to use the tools language offers. I will fight to the death to defend a poet's right to place his poem on the page how he/she desires, but I still believe an absence of the tools of language is a disadvantage.

I have read John Tolkien's Lord of the Rings more times than I care to admit. I have felt in the past that I KNOW these characters, their voices, their shapes. Some years ago I heard a recording by him of Theoden's call to action before they began their last ride to the Pellenor Fields. It was nothing like I had imagined. The speed and fluster in the voice as the King cried "Ride, ride, ride to Gondor!" was utterly at variance with my preconceptions. If I could be so misled by an author's words with all the trimmings, every tool at his command, what then of the poet that uses so few.
Of course, on the other hand I also heard Tennyson reciting The Charge of the Light Brigade and nearly fell asleep.
Every poet MUST write as he or she sees fit or we lose the poet, but for my part I will use every tool at my meager, uneducated disposal and hope some thirty or forty percent of what I intend makes it through.
wesley

And I agree, this is a good workshop form. wesley

Even though I agree that punctuation is not NEEDED as far as periods go, the odd comma might make the syntax more palatable! I think the message is beautiful one, and each thought is well defined by the lines. It is the individual components of each sentance in a line that I feel can easily get lost without a distinct indication that th thought is changing.I mean, what if we all wrote without commas? Some poetry could get very confusing! :)

It is not perfect, improve it, without punctuation.

The enjambment works well.

skinhead version-
Burn that fucking hippie
and that hippie crap,
Play Romper Stomper,
now the scrags left.

I agree no punctuations is just as bad as too many, this poem didn't pull me or elevated my interest.
It was like eating bland chicken for my health. Some punctuations is needed to add to the poem's delivery.
I didn't need the punctuations to like it though, i actually love it. Some punctuations would make reading it more exciting like the sweet taste of the first Rum cake I ever ate last week. Mmmmm it was good.

I do not understand the part where he goes from talking about songs to where he is talking about havimg all he dose not know. I do not see a connection, or see the meaning. Does anyone else? If I had to rewrite this, I would defenitly fix that.

this was a very, very difficult poem to critique and I don't envy Anna the task of editing/re-writing it.

But let's let the whole issueof punctuation drop. To punc or not to punc is a poet's inalienable right.

One last thing, I have nothing against punctuations. To each his/ her own in poetry.

One last thing, I have nothing against punctuations. To each his/ her own though I tend not to comment on poetry if I cant get the full meaning because I don't like getting it wrong.is all.

N.B. Please post your edit/ re-write as a poem straight after the original in the same box, so we can compare them directly. Do not post as a comment on the thread or on a separate page. Click edit and paste your work in directly after the original poem.

In other words both poems, the original and the edit/rewrite should appear in the post. Sorry if I was unclear

which you seem to have missed, is to choose a famous poem, critique it and attempt to improve it. Stop waffling and changing the subject and have a go, please.

i heard Thst