Thinking of all the things doable
the best of them seemed renewable
Like the ones used to avoid catastrophe
the ones of which he had no mastery
For each, he would have given a penny
for each, of which there were many
But he had no salary, this man named Mallory
nor did his wife, name of Jenny
Now he was the object of scorn
in his coat and shoes so worn
In the eyes of the rich
he was down in the ditch
wishing he never was born
Comments
you got it!
beesknees!
There is also some assonance and consonance, but not used enough to achieve its full effect.
Thanks Jess...
for the bee's knees. I hope they are stronger than mine! LOL Glad I got it right. Cheers yourself, ~ Gee
Again, you...
are correct in your asessments. Thank you. I will make necessary adjustments. A little bit of help, from more than one person, makes a lot of help from my friends. ~ Gee xxx
Rosi, I appreciate your input,
but in these technical workshops we crit the forms of poetry, not the poem itself. We can write anything as silly as we like, but just crit the forms of the exercise.
I think Jess just...
misunderstood what Rosi said. No big thing, I can't imagine that Rosi would be that crass, and i didn't see that in her comments. Just a misunderstanding. Thank you Rosi for correcting my puncuation and grammar. ~ Gee xxx
too right,
I didn't think you were saying the poem was silly, just wanted to emphasise the crit on rhyme, your comments were valid Rosi and I duly pull my head in.
ah, the real big problem with communication online
is that words are only aboout 30% of what's being said. With tone of voice, eye contact, body language and the ability to reply immediately communication is far more effective. My friends, and I have many, don't even think me a cranky bastard, just an honest, often mischievous, one.
It's perhaps the conciseness of many of my responses that make them seem to lack respect, but it's there, mostly. I suppose I could spend more words being diplomatic and likeable but I reckon most people see the mischievous glint behind my words, and those that don't, well I could try harder or they could. I'm not really here to be popular, just to improve my craft and help others with theirs.
Well, I'm...
glad that is settled! Now, thanks to all that gave me honest criticism and helped me make it better. ~ Gee