Roscoe Lane
Roscoe Lane
Oct 02, 2011

On a Mountain pass

On a Mountain pass

With wetted eyes I stumble
through a mountain snow,
as I hear thunder rumble
I’m wondering, how far to go ?

Shangri-la is not attained
in steps we make with ease
That is why it has remained
a dream, an incurable tease

Lonely steps are my trial
on the way to this haven
I imagine living in style
after all I have given

Maybe I’m romantic, a simple daydreamer
please don’t say we are only fools
Rather the lot of a devious, callous schemer
who survives without abiding by rules

For only just to survive a life
to me can’t ever be enough
Rather I on the edge of a knife
than passing by as wind’s puff

Onward I go to my paradisiacal place
thoughts of failure can't ever take hold
Years have I travelled without a trace
when i feel down, I commit to be bold

Silly simple things permeate my mind
I’m trying hard to resist all sadness
I see a comfy chair a hand that’s kind
must I revert, to a melancholy madness

Steeling myself for a final assault
the last one did end in such failure
I will not blame or find others at fault
responsibility I assume, for this my tenure

Cold wind in my face, leave me alone
let me just lay down and quietly die
Must I lift another rhetorician’s stone
tears of ice on my cheeks as I cry

No, I’m not finished never not yet
I’ll rise way above another mountain
This can’t be a fallacy to end in regret
I will drink, from this mystical fountain…

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I'm sure we all seek this in our minds....

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Scotland, Ayrshire land of Burns.., GBR

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Comments

weirdelf

a bit stretched for rhyme in places and the meter stumbles occasionally.
Shangri-la is not unattained
in steps that are of ease
doesn't the meaning sort of go 'shangri-la's not easy'? So the double negative reverses the meaning and would scan better
Shangri-la is not attained
in steps we make with ease
just a thought.

judyanne

'Shangri-la is not unattained
in steps that are of ease' - do you mean 'not attained' ?

and you have
'who survives without abiding by rules'
then
'For only just to survive a life' - here you haver the word 'survive' very close together - can i suggest another word here? - perhaps 'endure'?

a powerful write
rhythm great, although uneven at times it suits the thoughts of the write

- rhyme seemed a little forced at
'Onward I go to my paradisiacal place
that I’ll fail my thoughts never hold
Years have I travelled without a trace
feeling down ! so I’ll summon up bold'
(i stress imho)
maybe something like -
'Onward I go to my paradisiacal place
that I’ll fail my thoughts all inaction
Years have I travelled without a trace
feeling down ! so boldness I’ll summon'

i absolutely love the first stanza
love judy

Roscoe Lane

Thank you Judy for your time and suggestions , i have made one or two changes. I hope that they work, and would be intrested to hear what you think. I never read that i had written un attained, attained was what i thought i had written Love Roscoe...

weirdelf

a few small changes make the world of difference, eh.

Roscoe Lane

Thank you again, Judy and Jess for your help and encouragement. Regards Roscoe...

greeneyes

I see no need to change it myself, I loved it. Beautifully written.