On a Mountain pass
With wetted eyes I stumble
through a mountain snow,
as I hear thunder rumble
I’m wondering, how far to go ?
Shangri-la is not attained
in steps we make with ease
That is why it has remained
a dream, an incurable tease
Lonely steps are my trial
on the way to this haven
I imagine living in style
after all I have given
Maybe I’m romantic, a simple daydreamer
please don’t say we are only fools
Rather the lot of a devious, callous schemer
who survives without abiding by rules
For only just to survive a life
to me can’t ever be enough
Rather I on the edge of a knife
than passing by as wind’s puff
Onward I go to my paradisiacal place
thoughts of failure can't ever take hold
Years have I travelled without a trace
when i feel down, I commit to be bold
Silly simple things permeate my mind
I’m trying hard to resist all sadness
I see a comfy chair a hand that’s kind
must I revert, to a melancholy madness
Steeling myself for a final assault
the last one did end in such failure
I will not blame or find others at fault
responsibility I assume, for this my tenure
Cold wind in my face, leave me alone
let me just lay down and quietly die
Must I lift another rhetorician’s stone
tears of ice on my cheeks as I cry
No, I’m not finished never not yet
I’ll rise way above another mountain
This can’t be a fallacy to end in regret
I will drink, from this mystical fountain…
Comments
Wistful and nicely crafted,
a bit stretched for rhyme in places and the meter stumbles occasionally.
Shangri-la is not unattained
in steps that are of ease
doesn't the meaning sort of go 'shangri-la's not easy'? So the double negative reverses the meaning and would scan better
Shangri-la is not attained
in steps we make with ease
just a thought.
Thank you,
Thank you Jess for your time and comments, i have made some changes along the lines suggested. I hope you return and let me know if it works. Regards Roscoe...
'Shangri-la is not unattained
'Shangri-la is not unattained
in steps that are of ease' - do you mean 'not attained' ?
and you have
'who survives without abiding by rules'
then
'For only just to survive a life' - here you haver the word 'survive' very close together - can i suggest another word here? - perhaps 'endure'?
a powerful write
rhythm great, although uneven at times it suits the thoughts of the write
- rhyme seemed a little forced at
'Onward I go to my paradisiacal place
that I’ll fail my thoughts never hold
Years have I travelled without a trace
feeling down ! so I’ll summon up bold'
(i stress imho)
maybe something like -
'Onward I go to my paradisiacal place
that I’ll fail my thoughts all inaction
Years have I travelled without a trace
feeling down ! so boldness I’ll summon'
i absolutely love the first stanza
love judy
Thank you,
Thank you Judy for your time and suggestions , i have made one or two changes. I hope that they work, and would be intrested to hear what you think. I never read that i had written un attained, attained was what i thought i had written Love Roscoe...
bravo roscoe
wonderful edit
awesome write
xxxx
oh yes,
a few small changes make the world of difference, eh.
Thank you,
Thank you again, Judy and Jess for your help and encouragement. Regards Roscoe...
i see...
I see no need to change it myself, I loved it. Beautifully written.
Elizabeth, see up top there a button called Revisions?
it is rather understated but perhaps the heart of Neopoet. Click on that and you can see the changes a poet has made, whether based on critique or re-evaluation, since it was first posted.