scribbler
Sep 10, 2011

"ROLL"

A black smoke column grows in height
in New York on such a fine fall day
and it leads to a wondrous sight
heroes running toward it, not away

At the five sided eagle's heart
another shining silver spear of war
signaled a new existence's start
but condensed resolve within our core

In Pennsylvania's cool crisp air
when passengers foresaw their fate
heroic actions sprouted there
the first charge against the ones who hate

Young men left with little choice
found unknown courage in their soul
heard in that last determined voice
which then simply said "Let's roll"

Thus, war unsought had come our way
a battle that still rages on
history shows that there will come a day
we'll still be here, enemy "Gone"

About This Poem

Last Few Words: All critique on poem's structure, ect. welcome. Take care in critique of content lest you are prepared for result........stan

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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More from this author

Comments

S

America has been guilty of causing accidental civilian casualties during war. It was the specific targeting of civilians which brought us together to fight these mad men............stan

M

Do you want crit on this or I would rather not for this is raw emotion as it entered into my realm of the thing in me chest called the heart...Lets Roll.. Beamer.. The ultimate sacrifice they made to save other lives. It goes without saying..

Blessings Scribe
Love Mona

M

Did you watch the special on tv of the memorial wall in Shanksville Pa today? You will most likely catch it on the fox channel later. Truly heroing all those forty human beings that saved many more lives and destruction that day.

Talk later

Mona
hugs to

S

I always welcome critique on the form, rhyme, rhythm ,ect. on any of my stuff. I just wanted it to be clear that I would not back down on this poem's content................stan

M

I am working on a project and if I get it done I will enter it here as well. I am waiting for my article to be published on the locals first. I do agree this is the 10th anniversary and this is one time of the year I will not back down to rhetoric about it. Last year I remember all too well what went on in here the entire day.

talk later

S

I think the fact that one person is no longer a member might result in a bit less vitriol this year. Will await your work..............stan

M

I promised and here is what I did.. You may forget about it, use some of it or none of it and use all of it. I do not care either which way as it is only my own slice to it. Let me know

Smoking black columns raising in height
it was New York this fine fall day
Wailing sirens and sights of many
Heroes running towards and not away

At the five-sided eagle's heart,
another silver colored spear of war
Signals of a new reality’s start
of a condensed resolve in our core

In Pennsylvania's cool crisp air
as passengers realized their fate
Heroic actions born from there
charging against those who hate

Young men’s decisions of little choice
an unexpected courage in their souls
Hearing in that last determined voice
Great heroisms’ quickly said, "Let's roll"

Thus, war unsought had come our way
there’s a battle still blazing on
History will show, come what may
we will still be here, enemy "Gone"

I got hung up a little bit and probably could do more but let me know what your thinking is and I do not mind if none of this won't work.

Love Mona

S

I appreciate your ideas and will keep them in mind when I edit, but off the bat the change in stanza 1 would break rhyme scheme..................................stan

M

Hindsight let me try this then and yes I did step off your rhyme scheme but not intentional I just had a time with that word wondrous for some reason it did not seem to fit. I did have a stuck at the first verse so I will see again here. Okay lets collaborate:)

As black smoke column grows in height
in New York on such a fine fall day
it leads to a wondrous sight
heroes running toward, not away

Smoking black columns raising in height ( it could also say rose in height) just suggests here
it was New York this fine fall day (in New York City on such a fine day)
Wailing sirens and heroic sights ( I am still iffy on this one) your suggest?
Many heroes hurry to and not away ( I have to think on this one) What is your thinking

Stan

What I like to do with a poet is collaborate on their writings. It is not so much what I have written or suggested as it is your own words and writing and what you present to the reader.. I only enter into this of my own free will as the ultimate decision is always and should be of the poet. This is what I like to do, and that is work one on one with someone to help them and encourage them with my own suggestions and never to make a poet change or feel any different about what they have written. Regardless of my feedback or critiques. It is my way to help the poet or the poet to leave it alone per his or her wishes.

I pondered on this poem. I felt it strongly as well and we can work together on this or any other one you or anyone wants to work on. I am open to collaboration and suggestions myself. You can polish this poem up without losing any of its meanings, feelings, intent or otherwise. These are your words.

ps.. my article made the yahoo news and I will see how I can present it here for all to read. It was an assignment of Ten Years Later. It can not be changed but I would like to see what my Neopoet family thinks ( I think:) I was happy to see it published even though it was a day late. 9.12.11. Talk soon Linus. I have to go see my father:( Sad time for me now. Working on this poem of yours got my mind off of things for a moment or two.

Hug to you and yours Stan.
Ms Mona

M

Checking back to see if you made any revisions or revisited this yet

Thursday Linus:)

S

I have been too busy in work, getting book ready , getting artist and publisher together for book, transferring stuff fro site to hard copy, ect. haven't had time to burp lol.................stan

M

and most definetly understand. You work on that book and the heck with this! Good luck and let us know who what where and whom you published with to share your experience with us here at Neopoet. I still not finished with my manuscript and instead of taking time to do just that I am filled with too many other things that are more important. I am glad to hear you have pushed your limit to publish! You will never know if you don't try and I am glad you are doing just that!

Look forward to hearing about your experience and yes I know it is called WORK!! Best of wishes on it Stan!!

Mona
xox

M

came back here to see if you revisited this one yet? Thought I left you off the hook eh? lol Hope your book is going along great Stan

Mona

S

I know better than to think That lol. I'm still playing around in my head with this(very small playground)..........stan

M

to play in the big boys playground now:) Have you been swinging on those swings and getting dizzy or what Stan the Man? Be back later Linus:)

lou

lou

13 years 7 months ago

Well balanced, well written, well it's bloody good LOL!!

Lou

S

Thank you . I just did a bit of an edit and still not quite done with it.............stan

S

It'a also a subject I wish didn't exist. Appreciate the visit...........stan