FAMOUS BOYISH SMILE
©Cyrus Dali Vesuvala
Did you ever think just what you cost her?
Or, were you only having your fun?
Now you know that you’d already lost her
When you thought you’d just begun...
You wooed her with your innocence,
You wooed her with your style,
You wooed her with the freshness of
Your famous boyish smile-
You stripped her of her self-respect,
You stripped her of her shame
And, to strip her of her everything's
The essence of your game…
You seed her with your roving eye,
You won her with your tongue,
You bought her on your fingertips
And sold her on your song-
You led her round in circles,
And you led her up the path
And you led your army right into
The kingdom of her heart…
Comments
Ephraim,
Ephraim,
Glad you liked this.
Below is the intended meter for the verse, with all bold text being stressed syllables. Do you still feel that you stumble over that second last line?
In fact the change I would make would be to replace the word "Then" with "And" in that line.
What do you think?
You seed her with your roving eye,
You won her with your tongue,
You bought her on your fingertips
And sold her on your song-
You led her round in circles,
And you led her up the path
And you led your army right into
The kingdom of her heart…
Cheers,
Psyve
Perfect. I felt and heard it
Perfect. I felt and heard it. Good to have you back at Neopoet. Thanks for sharing, an upcoming song perhaps?
~A
Thank you, Anna,
An old song, actually.
Pleased you liked it.
Psyve
Hmmm. I thought I heard a
Hmmm. I thought I heard a seed of a memory.
;-)
~A
hello
long time no see. A very good song or poem. Enjoyed it all the way through but the last two lines seem to not flow as well as the others. Maybe the stressed syllables are off or maybe I am just misreading it..........stan
Stan,
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Am pleased you enjoyed it overall. I'll try to explain the meter of the song graphically... not sure how this will translate into the formatting but here goes.
Each line is a bar of music. Each bar / line has eight beats / syllables.
Syllable 1 and 5 are stressed in each line.
See if this works for you and ehether the last two lines feel any smoother with this .
Cheers,
Psyve
You
Seed her with your ro ving eye, you
Won her with your tongue, (blank) (blank) you
Bought her on your fin ger tips and
Sold her on your song- (blank) (blank) you
Led her round in cir cles, and you
Led her up the path, (blank) and you
Led our ar my right in to the
King dom of her heart (blank) (blank) (blank)
Hello
You see, this is where I get into trouble. I read this as straight poetry instead of lyrics of which I know even less. Even so, it seems to me the last line needs another beat or two. Of course this is reading it sans the benefit of hearing the background music...........stan