What if i wanted to write poetry
and offered alms to the poet?
Give me a few words or give me
poetic death--
stasis is not a state of mind
nor the gist of things
like stingers on a scorpion
shaken from swaggering boots
of morning,
or a bumble bee,
neither
too yellow or too black
to carry its full weight;
forgive me for being where I'm
not wanted
or being who I am--
I'm an American Outlaw:
a stone's throw from
royalty and deeper than dirt
in my own shit
just don't carry me home
unless you decide to
scrape the bottom of your own life.
Comments
Anna ...
Not sure why you opted posting on a separate page, your
re-write would have been easier to see the differences on
the revisions tab.
I could only find two words changed, let me know if I'm correct;
"of" morning, which shortens the original, usually a sure thing as
far as improvement, and you removed the extra "too". To tell the
truth, I think I actually liked the extra too, just thought it was in the
wrong place the first time, felt it would flow better something like;
too black, or too too yellow, or even way too yellow, but either way
it is one of the best lines I've read recently, sends such a strong image
and causes the reader to keep going back to see the whole picture.
Give me words etc, a play on "give me freedom or give me death",
very effective.
nor the gist of things; felt a saucier word than "things" would be more
effective there.
I still question the first line, it's confusing to me to write a poem and
offer yourself alms, perhaps I'm missing something there.
There is little I could suggest to improve this piece Anna, I feel this one
is ready for the publisher ...
Richard
You don't need a moderator?
Well why did you repost this?
We all know how to use the Revisions function.
I think it would be best to unpublish this so we can all comment on the same page.