Geezer
Geezer
Jul 14, 2011
This poem is part of the workshop:

Writing Forms workshop

(Read More...)

Smokeless... [Rewrite for Splash-pool]

I'm aware of all the reasons...
I can't breathe... I don't wonder why
It's not the change of seasons
My lungs are clogged, my nose is dry
After the coughing and hacking, I sit down and cry
That's my morning ritual, that's the way I do
I grab a glass of water, the dog moves to let me by
Hey kid, I'm telling you now, this is gonna be you
This is how you're gonna be, you will have this too
Wait a minute, I'll get coffee, find the matches and light up
Then I'll tell the story; I'm living-proof, it must be true
Let me take a drag on this cigarette, just to steady my cup
Then I'll tell you all about it, maybe you'll stop now
I wish that I knew then, what I'm knowing now

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is a Spencerian sonnet. I chose this form because Spencer is the name of my youngest son. It turned out to be interesting, and challenging. ~ Gee

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York State - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Poe

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Comments

lou

lou

13 years 9 months ago

This reads so much better, flows well , each word fits in it's place.

Lou

Geezer

Thanks for the read, and comment. I like both of them, but this was a lot more challenging to write, and I learned something! Love ya, ~ Gee

S

Sonnets can indeed be quite a challenge. and you responded well............stan

Geezer

I will never remember how to do this if I leave it to memeory, so I have written it down. LOL It was fun, and as I said, challenging. ~ Gee

Barbara Writes

This is really good I like reading this a lot
It reads like if you were a pro at it

Geezer

Barbara. I don't know about pro., but I am pleased with how it turned out, and will be sure to explore the other forms of sonnets in the future. ~ Gee

R

raj

13 years 9 months ago

i haven't read the earlier version of this write..but what struck me most is the Title which expresses the bottled up feelings...

Geezer

Geezer

13 years 9 months ago

was easy. It was the rest that was hard. Thanks, ~ Gee

Geezer

Geezer

13 years 9 months ago

In reply to by yenti

very welcome. I think I was the one who got the most out of this. I learned that I can do some difficult forms, and I had a bit of fun too! ~ Gee