Wasteland
torrid streams of tears
changing
into vaporous steam
falling on the desert
of his heart
her begging and pleading
disregarded
as even now
with no oasis in sight
she is discarded
and breaking
on the never ending
sand dunes
of his indifferent
consideration
hers is a slow
death by starvation
in the icy-hot
shadow-less lands
of the loveless
arid desert of his soul
Last Few Words: For the "Book of Styx II"
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Cat
I like the way you have used extremely short lines, and managed to retain your own style. Packed with atmosphere.
Love Lou
Dear Lou,
Glad you enjoyed the atmosphere!
always, Cat
Dearest Cat...
hope your wrist is getting fine...once again you have come up with this fine composition using the elements of a desert to express emotions...the only one missed out is an oasis..though it may be out of sync in the context of the essence of this write....i was hoping you would fit it somewhere even if as a means of contrast...just a thought...the entire poem reads s well even without it...
much love..
Thanks raj,
I added the oasis just for you! I think it reads better now.
always, Cat
good to know you liked the
good to know you liked the suggestion...hope your wrist is healing up fast..
much love..
Dear Chrys,
Thanks muchly!
always, Cat
Dear Lonnie,
You've guessed the secret ingredient!
always, Cat
Not worthy of Eddie,
sorry cat, but just another whinging love poem.
Wrong Again, Sunshine!
Not a love poem, this is about cruelty and abuse.
always, Cat
oh boy, I need new glasses
or a new brain,
sorry cat
That's okay, Jess
Everyone has an off day, LOL!
always, Cat
wasteland
wasteland
torrid steams
of tears
falling on the desert
of his heart
her begging and pleading
disregarded
now,
with no oasis insight
he discards her
to break
over never-ending
sand dunes
of his indifferent
consideration
hers is a slow
death by love's starvation
on a shadow-less land
she is turning into ice.....
Use whatever you will or not, Cat.
~A
Dear Anna,
Thanks for the help, it is always appreciated.
always, Cat
Dear Ian,
Thanks for the catch! I had been over it several times and hadn't caught it.
always, Cat
Wow CAT!
I can remember writing something with a similar theme, and you're right! When you're in this territory - there is no oasis in sight!!!
Good one!
Boni
Dear Boni,
I'd love to see what you have written! Is it posted on neo? Thanks for reading and commenting.
always, Cat
Dearest Jayne-Chloe,
Thank you for the read. I hope that you are well.
love, Cat
Rainshadow
Rainshadow hearts
consume the tart tears
sweetened with ache
the agony of the drought
wrung out
Another great write Cat!
desert hides thickened
and tanned by the relentless
aridity
the feirce and brutal gaze
stiffens emotions
stiflies hearts
to one day melt
in the rare rains
the rare snows
settling
darkening all
that is divisible
and not entirely
invisible
..
Thoughts
RUNES
she is discarded
and breaking
on the never ending
sand dunes
of his indifferent
consideration
Wow girl spot on here.
Love To you
Witch Magic:)