weirdelf

Jun 07, 2011

Whose knife

I’ve got an ’84 Corolla
You might have a Porsche

I’ve got a puter hung together with wires
That keeps me online
You might have a dual core multi whosiwhatsit

I’ve got a mobile phone that takes calls
Sends messages
And even reminds me of things
No doubt you have a smartphone

My television is not flat or large

But I broke no-ones back getting any of this
And expect no knives in mine.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The Romantics

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Comments

Interesting

Ah, the simple life, frugal and fulfilling. I got a little lost on this line. “broke no-one”s back"

ambitious people climbing over the backs of others?

mmm, I thought that meaning would come across. Will ponder on clafifying it,
ta

"my television is not flat or large"

fave line of this poem

Jess

a nice contrast created in this write about value systems...

ta lonnie, esker, raj

what tact lonnie? Don't think I'm familiar with that word [grins]

Great counter-point poem Jess

Great counter-point poem Jess:)!

You've got some witty and precise images here.
"
These two lines made me laugh out loud:
"No doubt you have a smartphone/ My television is not flat or large" Absolutely terrific lines:).

Only line I think could use a little bit of tweaking to fit in perfectly with the rest of poem would be:
"That keeps me online", I think this line could be cut and perhaps to get the idea of the internet though stronger made add in the next line:
"You might have a [broadband] multi whosiwhatsit"

I only say this because when you mention specific ties to the internet in the first line whereas a duo core thingy is more the battery power inside of a computer. Anyway I leave this totally up to you:).

Great poem Jess:),

not sure I understand, Michelle

everyone, even me, has broadband and dual core is not a battery it's a type of processor.

hi Jess

Don't know how I missed reading this until now. This is by far my favorite of your writes...................stan

werry interestingggg

tell me why.

hello

You know me. I like things simple and to the point. This poem doesn't require the reader to sit around wondering if the poet means what poem says or is poet alluding to something else..................stan

cool

ta.
And for my next act I'm going to write a highly obscure metaphysical piece with neolithic strata of tubtext and non sequiturish classical allusions [grins]

Hello

Back to the old ways eh? lol.............stan

elucidating the antiquated

elucidating the antiquated means of resistance in the persistence of playing one-up-man-ship
in the ground control (hello Major Tom) of who's minding the store, but then I never knew you to be a back-stabber or an attention-grabber playing the-one-who-dies-with-the-most-toys-wins hands down hand me a crown, I'm king of the hill and don't you just love my insistence in the preoccupation of the daily rationing of relationship to cause and effect, dredging out the scope of home-sweet-home dragging its tailbone,

throw me one will ya?