Barbara Writes
Barbara Writes
Jun 25, 2011

Scream Like a Hawk

Scream like a Hawk

Sometimes I want to fly as an eagle
Land on a mountaintop
Scream like a hawk
At the way life is

Sometimes I want to run like a gazelle
Into the wilderness
Cry resembling an idiot
Fleeing the way life is

Sometimes I want to swim like a shark
On the ocean floor
Sing like a killer whale
About the way life is

Sometimes I want to act crazy
Run wild in the streets
Strip naked in square garden
And dive into the fountain of youth

Maybe I'll feel young again
Able as a bird, and
Forget how vexing
This way of life is

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I love Neopoet Life its the only life making sense right now

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Billy Collins

More from this author

Comments

wesley snow

...and tried to find a common denominator with all of the animals (psychopath included). They are all swift. I am not psychopathic, but I am certified insane. It's not as terrifying as one might think (although just as terrifying as you would imagine). Of all its characteristics, speed is the most pronounced. Just as your poem suggests it is the speed of living that seems overly enhanced. Life moves too fast. The mad live too fast. Your poem is more insightful than perhaps even you imagine.
wesley

Barbara Writes

My brother name is Wesley
i like your insight. i choose the animal for speed just as you interpreted to get away from this crazy life of mine for just a moment. lol
i didn't think any body would see the significance of meaning.
i didn't imagine how insightful it is i just had to write it no matter how crazy it sound. life is rough
as for psychopathic, i am not.
certified insane, been there - people call me crazy and psycho. .
"It's not as terrifying as one might think (although just as terrifying as you would imagine" been there
spent a little time with them learning how to scope which is really all they want.

I read to my hubby and he associated the animals with being free. I like how the interpretation is in the minds eyes of the reader and still be right

weirdelf

the repetition and use of animal imagery, counterpoised with the psychopath is very powerful, a shamanic feel, and you know I love that! Wesley's comments were spot on.

I can't help wonder about psychopath, though. It is a very different beast from the others. Strictly, psychologically speaking, maybe psychotic may be more apropos?

MichelleK

I think my main issue with this poem is the repetition of 'like', I know these are intentional similes, but there are other ways to write similes. Eg. I want to fly AS the eagle (another trick I use is 'resemble' instead of 'like')

Back to the similes, I think you can drop them completely, as they take away power and sincereity from the image you're presenting us with.

If you rewrite the first stanza ommitting the standard simile form, I think it is a lot more powerful.
Eg.
I want
to fly as the eagle
Land on mountaintops
my screams resembling a hawk

Another little tid-bit, lose the 'sometimes', it makes the lines seem fickle and is redundant to the line as it doesn't actual give a time frame. If you want a specific time frame, don't use ambiguous words like 'sometimes' or 'occasionally'.
eg.
On Wednesdays I want to fly like an eagle.

This sounds more power than 'sometimes I want to fly like an eagle".

The last stanza is awesome, but I find it a bit of a large jump from shark to psychopath.

Why these animals, what do they mean to you personally and what do they symbolise in the poem?

There are some great gems here to be had and revised, a very solid rough draft :)!

Barbara Writes

thanks for the critique i have made some changes. i rather keep sometimes because sometimes is preferred over all the time feeling this way. Glad you like. how does it read to you now.

MichelleK

your stanza structure is really good. I like the neatness of the four lines per stanza, very appealing on the page:)!

Barbara Writes

thanks for the critique. i agree and have changed it to psychotic.
rabbit dog? i rather keep this stanza in the poem human rather than animal. as Jess indicated animal counterpoised with human.

Barbara Writes

Thanks for the explanation
Just that a human wit rabies is too much
As it leads to death
The point Jess made fit more with what
I'm looking for
A few weeks of rest in the mental hospital
Compare to eventual death
Can you see where I'm trying to take this

K

Scream like a hawk
[great title!]

Sometimes I want to fly
as an eagle
Land on a mountaintop
Scream like a hawk
At the way life is

Sometimes I want to run as a gazelle
Into the wilderness
Cries resembling a idiot
At the way life is

[an idiot fleeing
the way life is]

Sometimes I want to swim similar to a shark
On the ocean floor
Sing loud as a killer whale
About the way life is

[leave like instead of similar, which is unlikely ;-)
Sing loud as a killer whale
sings about the way of life
in his killer song]

Sometimes I want to behave psychotic
Run wild in the streets
Strip naked in square garden
And dive into the fountain of youth

[crazy would work better than psychotic
crazy as a fox]

Maybe I feel young again
Able as a bird, and
Forget how vexing
This way of life is

[wonderful ending.. perhaps
omit *is*]

~A