Her wish to go to church eternal
Granted finally by pulmonary accident
Attack on battered heart sent shocks
Sugar level assisted a flushing flow
That which numbed the brain into a coma
Seven days in counting, breathing stopped
Madam Elsie, our mother, is dead
Bedridden by incapacitating illness
With days of worthy services behind
She wanted an end to her unhappiness
To stop the pains of a suffering flesh
Of lonely unproductive moments
And of the strains she put on her brood
Madam Elsie died to free them all
Madam Elsie is dead, that was weeks ago
She carried duplicate symbols with her,
Of grace, love and peace of motherhood
Into higher holy realms of expression
And left her children and the church
Behind a cacophony of celebrated life
Her memory soothes the abiding emptiness
Comments
It is a lovely story
It is a lovely story of a woman whose presence made a difference, but I think a bit more show than tell. If we don’t know who Madam Elsie is we really don’t care. If you want us to care, then you need to give us more to see.
Clear and complete thoughts without inverted lines will also help to give clarity and purpose to your verse. As it stands, it edges on a diary entry of something that matters on a personal level to you, and only you. Make it matter to me – your reader. ~Pamela
Pamela
Thank you for your time on this piece and for the suggestions. Yes, you are right, I needed to give Madam Elsie more presence and as a mentor friend suggested, 'punch line', to my scribbles, I am trying, but limited by my English. Please what do you mean by 'inverted lines' in this write and how can I make Madam Elsie be felt without revealing her identity and sanctity, even in death and for the children. Best wishes.
tr
Thank you for asking
This is an inverted line:
"With her, she carried duplicated symbols"
True speech would say: "She carried duplicate symbols with her."
A lot of times, the inversion feels poetic, but this woman lived today and we owe it to her to speak about her in today's language.
Rather than tell us all about what she went through, show us what she went through.
Need found a place
within her ache
for eternal rest.
Something like that perhaps?
I hope this information helps some Thank you for asking and I hope your continue to cherish this person in your memory as you grieve her loss.
Be well
~Pamela
In bits...
I have started the corrections and I will give more thought on how to express my words to capture the desired feelings in this piece. Thank you for pointing the way and giving me the insight, best wishes.
tr
Appreciation...
I seem to like the way you tear my scribbles into pieces, this is one advantage that this site does to me. The other day, after your comments on my work, I wrote a poem in my language, it was not so hard to get the rhyme and the meter, if that is what makes a good poem, sorry you will not understand it, needless showing it to you. On the whole, I appreciate your frankness and I know my limitations, but should this deter me or make me stop when I have itchy fingers? I hope not. Please don't be discouraged from reading my works in spite on my imperfections, thank you and best wishes.
tr