~imprints

I hear this and I feel it but it seems the tense shifts or is somewhat off. I think some honing for impact and emotion might be necessary.

Suggestions? -

I know how love
is etched
to crease a single night

we wrote poetry
with trembled sighs
and sang harmoniously
through heaving hips

above

the moon spun
stars crumbled

and yellow was born

it pressed against
lids and woke with flutters

to alone

only your essence
held shape
in empty wrinkles
between silk sheets

I love your image and I love your emotion. Such bare honesty in verse is remarkably humbling. I want to reach out and hold these thoughts so close - so very close. Title is amazing.

~Pamela

This almost is a conglomeration of 3 recent poems of mine. Funny how brilliant minds work alike...

I know how love has
etched itself into creases of a single night

(I know how love is
etched into creases of night)
[present tense with *is* is always stronger, more effective]

when we wrote poetry with trembles
and sighs
and sang together in harmony
of heaving hips

(because I remember
we wrote poetry
with trembles
and heaving hips sighed
in harmony)
[weaving together the first and 2nd stanzas & simplifying]

above us
the moon spun
stars crumbled
and color was born
[perfect!]

as awakening pressed yellow
against thin skin of my eyes
I found myself alone
again
(awakened, I found myself
alone
the thin skin of yellow
pressed against my eyes}
[a simple rewording]

only the shape of you lingered
sculpted in empty wrinkles
between silk sheets
(remove *in*)
[now perfect! imo]

for your muse to use or not (or even abuse ;-)

~A

oops. forgot to proofread.

Me. Not you. Which speaks to a small diminishing of your poem. I will agree with Pamela here that I like the poem, but somehow "it" happened too soon or too fast or too...something. It might be that the lover is here and then suddenly he is not and that was the intention, but that's putting words in your mouth and if it was your intention then it failed. The poem was strong enough that I was ready to be moved come the end of the poem. Although the clean and imaginative image at the end was superb poetry, you rather came to it, left and that was that. I was let down some.
wesley

Feels as if this could be vignettes and that perhaps you could make each one a little more visual and original by putting this into that style of poem. The thoughts are soft, they just need some sparkle to make this poem shine brightly

Vignettes is an excellent idea. Don't know if you want to use it, but if my two cents aren't tarnished, I wanted to throw them behind the thought.
wesley