faithmairee

Jun 09, 2011

declaration of love

oh little trembling bee
i am finely tuned in
(to your wavelength)
and turned on by
your swaying body

thus i announce my desire
little bee my heart racing
at your name's mention
pale faced and weak in the
knees (when you're near)

i love your sweet glances
with all the chances
we are taking while trying
to disguise our inclination
toward one another

oh my little honey bee
you seem to stare so curiously
you're my soul's happiness
and it's torment supreme
oh little trembling bee-
hover over me

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Florida, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Comments

Hello Faithmarie,

I like your title but think it would be better to just call it "Declaration." but that is a personal choice and completely up to you. I don't see the need for the (parenthesis)

a sweet little poem and fun to read!

I like these lines:

i love your sweet glances
with all the chances
we are taking while trying
to disguise our inclination
toward one another

always, Cat

Thanks, Cat

Thanks for your comments, Cat. Talk about timing. I just commented on your poem as well.

Faith

What I particularly like here

and dislike at the same time, is the characterisation of the beloved as a bee, rather than a knight on white charger or princess in a tower. It would be nice to have a human partner.

The ending is powerful and significant. Weak and strong.

Not sure how to characterise this, but it is good freeform poetry.

I agree with Cat about the title.

TY Jess

Thank you for taking the time to stop by and to respond to my poem. I appreciate it.

Faith

to be more specific

i am finely tuned in
(to your wavelength)
and turned on by
your swaying body

is superb poetry. Anthropomorphises beyond imagination.
The weakness, to me, is the last line
hover over me

I am sure you mean more.

Thanks again

I'm glad you were more specific. It helps. The hover part was to leave something to the imagination. I think something stronger would have weakened it instead. Thanks for your comments though.

Faith

Really though, titles ares so important

please reconsider this one.

TY

I like my title, Jess. I don't understand the problem you have with it. That's all I have to say about it.

Faith

the title itself is a cliche

remember cat also had a problem with it.

I don't think it reflects the real values of the poem, and it weakens it by a renunciation of self.

That worker bee is a slave, biologicly speaking.

Hi Faithmairee,

You appreciate moderate criticism, so I'll moderate myself.

This poem could have gone places that would make it remarkable. unfortunately, the first stanza
gave an indication that wasn't seen through...

Also rather than a hc* title, you could use part of the first..or the last line.

Last stanza, line 4.. *it's* is misused. It's is a contraction for it is. its is correct.

*hc : hallmark card

Well, thanks

Nice of you to respond to my poem.

Faith

I feel your stinger in me

*I feel your stinger in me* would leave even more to the imagination, I think.

Just tryin' to help.

Hi Faithmairee

welcome back to Neopoet..good to see you again..

i liked the way you have related to the Bee in this write...

much love...

Dear Raj

Thank you so much. It's great to be back and wonderful to find you are still here. Thank you for your lovely comments.

Love,

Faith

Hi Faith

Love as a bee.....able to deliver both sweetness and pain. Enjoyed this and your return.........stan

Dear Stan

Thank you for your wonderful remarks. I'm happy to be back and to find you are still here also. I've always enjoyed your poems.

Love,

Faith

So nice to see you are still here

Thank you so much, Rosi. I missed you as well and II'm honored by your wonderful remarks.

Love,

Faith

WOW!!!

WOWEE!!! I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!! You don't need to change a thing i don't think.
This so much describes the way my fiance and i were when we fist got together, those little glances he gave. I like this write a lot it was a pleasure reading!!! :-)

Nichole

Thank You Nichole

Thank you so much for your wonderful remarks, Nichole. You made my day and it's barely just begun.

Faith

:)

Oh that's good, I'm always happy to make someones day!!!! :D i hope it was a WONDERFUL day!!!