themoonman
themoonman
Jun 05, 2011

Piling up

Styrofoam china
stacked high above the rim;
last night's slaw
squeezing the air,

but I can't be bothered.

My hair is greasy
it'll shape any way but clean,
the shabby beard offers
an I'm drunk look,

I only shrug.

I need to feel something more than depraved
like the loose-bowel symptoms letting go relieves,

so I'm waiting

and that's where I live
over-used and de-mused;
just take me out.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

K

On first reading I thought *but* was unnecessary. After subsequent readings, I'm not sure.

Another Richard poem, artfully engaging.

~A

L

poem! Richard this is excellent!

particularly liked:-

I need to feel something more than depraved
like the loose-boweled symptoms letting go will give,

Probably because I don't have any bowels!!! But that's another story!

Bravo!

Namaste,

Lenny

themoonman

Most of the time I too feel just right, like all is well or
as well as it should be ... but every once in a while,
there is this and that ehhh

thanks

CCfire

CCfire

13 years 10 months ago

Hi richard I like this but I still think you can tighten it in areas. Such as the loose-bowel lines which are original if somewhat disturbing in the images lol. I think all you need there is 'like loose-bowel symptoms letting go'
I think the other words in that line itself are superfluous.

themoonman

Thanks for the read and the critique, I never did like the way
that line ended, but felt there was something needed at the same
time ... I'll try the word "relieves", but it's not written in stone, I'm
still able to type (lol)

thanks again

Richard

themoonman

Thanks for stopping in and so glad you liked it
and offered suggestions for it. The comma's you've
suggested change the meaning somewhat, changing
the word "look" from a noun to an action verb, which
isn't what I want to portray ... it is an I'm-drunk-look that
is being described, perhaps the hyphens are needed there.

thanks and thank you for making me think about the punctuation,
it is always good to know why we've chosen a certain way to go and
the best way to know is to be asked or given alternatives ...

thanks again

Richard

Pamela A. Lamppa

I see you working on your free-verse and love the gritty direction you are headed but I think less tell and more show in this one will get the grime effect across without having to tell us what it is.

Not certain if "twinge" is the right word - maybe taint, pinch, pollutes. or even squeezes?

I liked
"over used and de-mused - just take me out." - it reeks of frustration - kind of like that 'slaw.

A bit more show and this can really work. Thank you for the opportunity to absorb your words. ~Pamela

themoonman

I always smile if you are around, I know there will be an
honest and thorough critique no matter who's poem you're
on. You wouldn't believe how many describing words that
"twinge" has been and not one of them was "squeeze" ...
which I loved. I rarely ever use an exact word that someone
suggests, but this time I'm just gonna steal it from you!

thank you for being here Pam

Geezer

Geezer

13 years 10 months ago

to the party, I just have to say that everyone has already said what I would have said, but I like that line; like the loose bowel symptoms letting go will give, it's the best that it will get. Gritty stuff, and on the edge. Great stuff! ~ Gee