My figure in numeric scale was eight
Flat stomach and nicely curved hips
Then I was the only apple in his eyes
So, I fell into faithfulness ever since
Ageing came with grey to add the extra
Weight on thighs and waist won over
The fruit eaten, the seeds left to grow
My spouse loves fruits after meals
To the farm, he went in random search
Found mangoes, oranges and pears
Bought his mistresses all sorts of trousers
Swam around on weekend rendezvous
Important business meetings, so he says
Stupid man, he thinks I am blind
Imagine me strutting around town
In a pair of Denim jeans and sleeveless top
My congregation will excommunicate me
My children will wonder and ask me why
My cavorting husband will have a fit
Not that I care about him anymore
Because I am going to do something wild
Comments
An attempt at love story
Not the never ending type, but the bitter - sweet. Thanks and best wishes.
tr
Free'er verse
This is a rough draft, so I suspect some of what I didn't like will clean itself up. There is a bit too much free verse around for my tastes. It makes my reaction a little unfair. You might be catching my negative attitude for other poems. The subject matter is solid and especially for the format, but it seemed a little too disjointed to me. If you wanted the reader to "feel" the anger, you succeeded. However, I think there was more anger than the organization could hold. It wasn't very poetic to me, but that may have been its purpose. More of a rant. If you try to take this to a more finished attitude I would like to suggest you focus on the first verse. The poem starts quite well, but loses itself when the poet gets angry. If you can bring the last verse to the shape of the first without losing any of the "feel" then I think you would have a better "poem". Sorry to be so down on it, but I felt it could've been more. wesley
A little unfair?
No, I appreciate your comments. Actually my poems or scribbles as I call them are mostly prosaic and I try to write what could be read as poems but always find myself in this hole of story telling. My deficiency calls for sound tutorials but I don't seem to get any help, the site offers me the opportunity of meeting someone like you, that is why I insist on raw truth and hard knocking to get me out of this pigeon hole. I will work on your suggestions. Thanks and best wishes.
tr
Storytelling?
Let me understand. You tend to find yourself writing stories when you write poetry and you consider this bad? Since you can't answer me this moment, i'm going to assume that's what I understood in your comment and try my hand at a rebuttal.
If you have looked in on my posts (I'm new so there isn't much) you will find I very much love storytelling through poetry. I think verse is one of the single most exciting places to tell a story. For the last six years I have labored to produce a "gest". If you don't know what this means (not every poet does), a gest is a long tale of romance and adventure told chiefly in verse. "Çaço, Man of the Morning Star" is (at this writing) 20,000 lines and growing. I don't suggest you turn yourself to writing a great, hoary epic poem that steals your life from you as it wants to be written, but I would like to suggest you go with your strengths. If you have a tendency to write story in verse then do so. Don't let others dictate the style of poetry you write because "it's what everyone else is writing". There is nothing wrong with your writing that can't be fixed with a little training. Your poem, I may have said this, is evocative. The characters experienced very real emotions. And...it told a short (very short) story. In my book, that's a major plus.
If you have the time, look in on Caco, Man of the Morning Star, Canto One. Not everyone can muscle up the time and effort it takes to read me, but you don't necessarily have to read the whole canto. It's simply the only example on the site (there are millions out there) I can point out that is poetry telling a story. Have a look and tell me what you think. And if I'm acting to arrogant let me know, but I have time to help if that's what you're looking for. In fact, I imagine there are loads of mentors here.
Good luck
wesley
A delightful
journey! Enjoyed the read!
Namaste,
Lenny
Thanks
I am glad you like it. The 'anima' inside of me dictated and I wrote. Thanks and best wishes.
tr
At last...
Help from above, thanks. I am looking forward. Best wishes.
tr