It’s Tuesday and I gotta mount that colt.
The groundwork’s not gone well~ he tends to bolt.
But I been paid and gotta get it done.
We need no more than walk…don’t wanna run.
He’s cinched up slow as always. That’s our way.
The greenhorns think he only wants to play.
They point with greenhorn fingers while they laugh
when flips his damn, fool head like some giraffe.
But somehow we get bridled ere it’s noon.
I think he’s only gazin’ at the moon
and settin’ up to take a careful aim.
He’s gonna launch me high and try to maim.
I gip him ‘til he’s hot and frothy brown
and then I work to pull his head aroun’.
He bites at me and damn near doesn’t miss
and now, of course, I need to take a piss.
This happens every time. Can’t tell you why.
The bladder fills up fast though mouth is dry.
Left foot to stirrup oughta light his wick
and just like that my right’s a pogo stick.
I’m up and pull his nose round to my knee,
then kick such dust that I can barely see.
He huffs and snorts with legs spread holding still.
I only need a minute if he will.
I stretch and try to pet him so he knows
ain’t nothin’ gonna harm him~ then he blows.
Once saw this colt kick both hind feet so high,
they both were four feet higher than his eye.
And now we’re sideways headin’ for chain link.
My heart, but most my bowels begin to sink.
This all is gonna hurt so awful much,
but frantically I try a gentle touch
and with a gasp that’s filled with fear of death
he stops and shivers while I catch my breath.
I stroke him whispering while he grunts and moans.
Slow words that have no meaning past their tones.
It takes a while before he starts to walk
and I just let him wander while I talk.
Then everything gets quiet for a bit.
I sit real still so’s not to cause a fit.
The hump beneath my backside wants to sag.
I think I feel his hind feet start to drag,
so I get off and count this as a win,
but pull his head to left~ he still could spin.
I’m suckin’ dust and thinkin’, “That went well.
He really coulda bucked me clear to Hell.”
Could be I’m much too old for all this crap,
but I’d not trade it for a quiet nap.
At lunch I’m gonna own up all my sin,
‘cause Wednesday we both do this all again.
Once More into the Breach
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is my first (and likely only) foray into "Cowboy Poetry". I am a horse trainer by trade, so the activity in the poem actually occurred. I attempted a mild use of western slang, but did not rely on it partly because I don't speak in that fashion and I have always felt in matters of dialect that less is more. It is not a specific form, simply iambic pentameter with rhyming couplets. I do not write very many "small" poems as my attention is focused on the epic that has been my chief project for six years now and the piece I desire get feedback for. wesley
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Hello Wesley
An enjoyable detailed story. The rhyme is correct as is the syllable count. But it still does not flow like it should. Wish I could pinpoint the reason and it may have to do with what a lot of the more schooled here call stressed syllables.If you get this where it reads smoothly when read aloud it has the bones of being very good poetry. It has detail, clear imagery, it is based on actual experience. Maybe someone else will be of more help..........scribbler PS of course it could just be I'm reading it wrong
Stressed syllables
I have never heard the term "stressed syllables", so I can't find mine. If you could give me a little bit of an idea what you meant it would be helpful. Or point someone to it who could. My reading tells me the meter flows smoothly, but it's me reading and I wrote it. Could you, perhaps, point out some of the places you didn't care for? I'm here to learn that my epic poem can improve, so anything you can offer me concerning my smaller work is greatly appreciated.
wesley
hello
This is my understanding of how a stressed syllable affects poetry. Now remember that I am a mere newcomer to writing myself. Most rhyming poetry has a measured beat. If the strongest syllable in a multi-syllable word land at the wrong place the beat is disrupted.Compare this line of a famous poem:
Rage!,Rage! against the dying of the light
now if written:
Page!,Rage! against the disappearance of the light.....see how the change in position of accented syllable in the 5th word affects the flow?. And when the difference is from one verse to another it can make even more difference in the sound of a poem. Many writers even pay much more attention to this than to punctuation. It is my understanding that proper placement of stressed syllables has more effect on beat or scansion than punctuation. I will try to send some of the folks more educated in the technical aspects in poetry your way. I am sure they can explain this better than I.............scribbler
stressed syllables
Stressed syllable example:
reclaim
[ree-KLEYM]
"claim" is the stressed syllable.
The syllable that holds the most power in its voice. *smile*
When we stress a syllable where it should not be stressed to assist in meter, it becomes forced rhyme, or forced meter. Stresses should always be read/spoken where natural stresses occur. However, with every rule comes the exception.
Thanks Scribbler
Okay, it's no different than what I thought. If one allows a word that has a stress where (for example) the iamb would not use a stress then that would surely be an interruption of the meter. Now, I'm sorry for being a pest, but this is kind of new for me and I don't like missing out on a chance to "edupitate" myself. You mentioned that my poem had this problem in places with its flow. As most of my small poems are written to exercise a specific style or form, I tried hard to make certain the meter of this poem worked well throughout. Is it possible for you to point out a couple of the spots you thought were troubled so I can better understand? In other words, would you PLEASE knock me on my back about this if you can? If I'm asking too much of your time, I understand and regardless, thanks for taking this much time to lend me a hand.
wesley
hi Wesley
Will attempt to pinpoint a few exact places tomorrow. Have also called in some help from those more learned in this stuff than I am. ....................stan PS I've only been trying to write for 1 year so this is new frontier to me also lol
Thanks Scribbler
Don't concern yourself with only writing for a year or so. When someone is learning something, it's always kindergarten and those same folk, when they have learned, are PHD's in what they know. Thanks for bouncing it around with me. I appreciate it. wesley
Wesley
I believe this is very good but I think you need breaks in it so the reader can take a breath to follow the rythm of the AA, BB of the poem
.
one other thing is this correct;
" But I been paid and gotta get it done"
should it be like this
"But I've been paid and gotta get it done.
Eddie
.
Whatever technicalities of meter
(and I'm not a stickler, unless they buck the poem from its saddle)
I fuckin' love this! Visceral is the word that comes to mind. The fact that you bring your bodily functions bravely to play with your emotions is quite unique.
Way my favourite lines are
"But somehow we get bridled ere it’s noon.
I think he’s only gazin’ at the moon
and settin’ up to take a careful aim.
He’s gonna launch me high and try to maim."
[but this line needs work. Maim needs to be transitive in context]
They anthropomorphise the colt perfectly! It's youth, playfulness, wickedness and strength.
Reminds my of a girl I used to go out with [sighs]
You're going to get as many conflicting opinions as readers on Neopoet but paradoxes aren't necessarily irreconciliable! [grins] Just always be careful when experimenting with suggested changes and ideas to keep the gestalt of the poem in mind, not just the line or word.
Oh, the title, very appropriate reference, but consider the spelling similarity between friend and fiend, perhaps even consider extending the reference with a pun
"Once more into the breach, dear fiend"
Yenti
Thanks for the comments. Let me take them one by one please.
If I should flip "He flips" it would interfere with the meter.
I didn't understand you term (grip).
I eliminated the "d" to allow a more complete rhyme and it fit in with the "cowboy" dialect. Too many of the guys around me would pronounce it so.
"At lunch I'm gonna own..." A little more specific?
Thank you for taking the time. It's exciting to get some attention.
wesley
Eduardo
I've had the suggestion of breaking my epic poem into uneven stanza to alleviate "the wall of words", but didn't with this because by my sensibilities this is a very small poem. It's a thought though.
The difference between "I" and "I've" is in the dialect. I have never heard a cowboy (the sort that I spend everyday with) pronounce the "have". Again I tried not to use the dialect much (less is more), but needed it occasionally to stress the character. I don't speak with such a dialect and though I am the "cowboy" in the poem, I took some liberties to maintain the "western" personality.
wesley
at first reading I thought the same as Eddie,
some stanza breaks just for "reader friendliness", but on further readings I take your point and agree with your decision. Not because it is a "small poem" but because the entire experience needs cohesion.
ALL STALWARTS have commented
ALL STALWARTS have commented
So I feel better to withdraw,
Lest wrath I draw,
But the length is as long as horses
Many in reality may adore,
But they will do so in poetry
I ain't too sure
So show what have you a bit,
Twill be better
A sure bull hit
As requested ...
I will do my best to provide you with an honest review of this work. Please keep in mind that most critiques are subjective and opinion weighs heavily with each reader.
One thing that might assist readers with this work would be to incorporate line breaks. Break where you want a reader to pause or where you would like him to stop to begin a new idea.
For example:
"It’s Tuesday and I gotta mount that colt.
The groundwork’s not gone well --
(he tends to bolt.)**
But I been paid and gotta get it done.
We only need to walk --
don’t wanna run."
**(almost an aside whisper - I would italicize the line, but there was no way to do that here that I could see)
And that is only an example which could probably use some work as well.
"He’s cinched up slow as always. That’s our way.
The greenhorns think he only wants to play.
They point with greenhorn fingers while they laugh
when flips his damn, fool head like some giraffe."
The last two lines feel/sound awkward.
Perhaps?
"He bobs and flips his head like some giraffe;
and rookies point their fingers while they laugh.
Those greenhorns think he only wants to play.
He's cinched-up slowly 'cuz that's just our way."
For the most part, you have a terrific tale to tell in lovely rhymed couplets. I love the iambic pentameter and the use of dialect and language to enhance the mood of this poem.
My main advice would be to break this up some to stay away from the "wall of words" and work the lines until they sing smoothly without losing your meaning.
I hope you have found this critique to be positive and helpful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and absorb your words. ~Pamela
Pamela and Loved
I'm pressed for time (that damn colt again. He really does live here and has come a lot closer to killing me since the poem). I did not want to ignore you for your comments are extremely helpful, but my response must wait so I'm not hurried in it. Wanted to thank you....and then...he's gone.
wesley
ur poem said breach
i came by
as i read it as
beach
that's where i'd love to be
horses or trainers
twill is ok for me
An immensely
enjoyable read! So good I read it twice!
Namaste,
Lenny
Pamela
Did you get that phrase- "a wall of words" from me or somewhere else? This suggestion has been made to me concerning the gest and I took it. The version you will read in the blog has been broken into uneven stanza. At first I was rather against it, but it took only a dozen or so breaks to see myself how it almost magically took the pressure off the page. I am sold.
I did not break this one up because from my perspective (you'll understand this better when you have read Canto One) this is a very little poem. Also, Weirdelf said he thought at first that was the way to go, but then decided the poem was about a very specific event. A singular event that he felt was probably better without the breaks because the poem needed "cohesion". So I'm mildly torn.
Your changed lines from "He bobs and flips..." are far superior, but it leaves me with the last line just sort of stuck out there after the fact. I am going to use your lines (your lawyer can talk to my lawyer), but I will have to figure out how to bring that line back in to the beginning of events.
You asked if I might find your comments positive and helpful. Immensely. Not only with this poem, but it thrills me to find someone (actually a number of someones) who can work the nuts and bolts of a project. One of the ugliest things I see in the comment sections following a poem is someone pointing out a "problem" without pointing out the problem. In the horse business we call this the "weird" question. The student raises the point that something is wrong. The teacher asks "what is wrong?" "My horse is being weird." "How is the horse being weird?" And then THE statement- "He's being weird!" You cannot fix that. Thank you for telling WHY my horse was being weird.
See you at YOUR poems and at my POEM.
wesley
"He bites at me and damn near
"He bites at me and damn near doesn’t miss
and now, of course, I need to take a piss.
This happens every time. Can’t tell you why.
The bladder fills up fast though mouth is dry."
I rode ponies and one called Rocket always blew himself up as I put on the saddle, then he did, like yours, try to bite my arse, so I had to hold the bridle tightly the other way; then one day he jumped a small jump with me and we did a complete sommersault, lazy thing, but away he shot leaving me quite okay holding the whole bridle in my hand in surprise. Always he dawdled behind the others(school out in the Cotswolds 1953) the he would see that they had goe far ahead and SHOOT after them almost leaving me where I was, the little demon, as am Aunt used to say.
I may comment later but wanted to put this in, I laughed at this.
Love Ann.
Hi Wesley, are you a bit of a
Hi Wesley, are you a bit of a *horse whisperer*, that helps, I am told; my daughter and I are, although we come into contact with horses rarely. She's more of a dog (she rescues and rehabilitates them) and I have been accused of being a people one.
I am not as you might have guessed, prone to writing poems in rhyme, but appreciate the effort when it effortlessly works, so I'll let those who know what they are talking about go about their business. It seems to me your epic of a poem Çaço, Man of the Morning Star, Canto One, Two & Three reminds me of *Secretariat* (which Barry & I enjoyed immensely) part 1, slow, part two gains speed, and part three wins.
I'll be re-reading these in their entirety today, will offer further comments.
BTW, one needs to piss, because one's kidneys have been jostled about, me thinks, cowboy. ;-)
~A
Well slap me sideways.
Your comments are confidence builders. Thank you.
As you don't tend to enjoy poetry with rhyme, I prefer mine with. However, since frequenting another online poetry forum for about a year now, I have been not pleasantly surprised, but right blown out of the water by the cohesive, lovely free verse I have been privy to. I don't like to miss anything REALLY good, so I am wide open minded about what I tend to read. I hope I can keep you as a reader (until at least eighteen when the story arc changes). Although I could never consider abandoning the form I'm using (I adore it and I've committed 20,000 lines to it), your comments are still very useful to me.
And so, thank you for your confidence building.
wesley
I agree.
I've been doing that with most of my stuff and simply had not done it when I posted this. I've had my poetry described to me as a "wall of words". Thanks for looking in on an old one. That's too fun. wesley
I will never ignore you.
It's why I am here. Thank you for reading. wesley
Howdie bard!
Oh I have commented before ...
I think you could do a bit of work on this and 'stramme det opp' they say here tighten it up, or perhaps discard the parts that are too obvious, and the rhymes that feel slightly contrived to fit the sound, making themselves stand out uncomfortably, like the bumps on your knees when you fall. You have obviously ridden as I have too, I know the horse, like one called Rocket at school, who jumped with me leaving me on the ground with the harness in my hand!
Ah the lovely beasts they are such companions one forgives the odd diversion from comfort doesn't one Wesley?
I must look at the Epic again although I am soon off to Bonnie Scotland, in four days time, there I shall attempt to live a new epic journey of my own. :) Love from Ann of N.