Samaira
May 24, 2011

You, my Love

As I take my final steps
before I rest in peace
I reflect on our lives
and what you meant to me

Through my cloudy cataract
I clearly see you
holding my wrinkled hand
My handsome old man

Through my faulty ears
I can hear you say
“You still look as beautiful
with your lovely grey”

My trembling fingers
won’t let me write much more
But my toothless smile
wants you to know for sure

So many years have gone by
since you left me here alone
Of all the things that remain with me
I cherish your memories the most.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: CHE

More from this author

Comments

V

was not a poet but if she had tried to write one I am sure it would have looked very much like what you have here. She continued conversations with my Dad until the day she died as though he was still there beside her.

S

that you could relate to it. I also don't consider myself to be a poetess, I just write. I just wanted to write in words what I have seen my grandmother doing. It is amazing how she doesn't feel alone anymore. She always feels my grand dad's presence.
I was very touched by her behaviour.

Regards
Sam.

S

Yes you are right. Now that I read it again, I have the feeling I should rethink. Will get back soon with the re write.

Thanks for the comment, you always give me food for thought
:-)

Regards
Sam.

K

I had the same feeling but didn't know how to say it. It seems to me that really good poetry is about saying much in few stanzas.

(The funny thing is few old folks are that enamored of their spouses from what I have witnessed as a caregiver in recent years. However, they are lost when one dies, as if
one gets used to the misery as well as the company.)

~A

S

As I mentioned in one comment above, my grandmother does not feel lonely anymore. It was so surprised.
C'est La vie! This is life
There are as many lessons in death as in living.

About your suggestion, as I mentioned to Theo, I will work on it and let you guys know.

Regards
Sam.

S

I will try to work on it a bit more.

Cheers
Sam.

Eduardo Cruz

you have received some good comments here, so you see how when we write a poem is not ever really finshed, in the eyes of other poets. The thing is that it is your choice weather you want to work on it or not. It's their opinion and good one's that they are,

Thank you for being a part of "Splash Pool"!

Eddie

S

Its so difficult to write something that is 'perfect'. Nothing can be perfect, writing is just a process of getting better, without reaching perfection. This makes it even more interesting.

I will re think on the suggestion by Theo. I will see if I can be back with something new.

It was my pleasure to splash in the Splash Pool, and I am looking forward to much more!

Thanks and regards
Sam.

R

raj

13 years 11 months ago

its a very touching tribute to your true Love..perhaps you may have become overwhelmed as the poem progressed...i am sure you will work on the suggestion made by others before me by giving it a tweak if you feel its right..i will come back to this one again later ....

S

yes you are right- I got very emotional as I proceeded with the poem. I will surely consider the suggestions and see if I can make it flow smoother.
Thanks for reading and appreciating. Where have you been ? you were initially in the Pool but did not participate. I hope everything is okay!

Regards
Sam.

S

Thank you. I 'worked out' in the Splash Pool and I think it did me good.
I am glad that you liked it. I like your work too but I think I am too immature as of now to comment.

Regards
Sam.

R

raj

13 years 11 months ago

i am not sure if this could be the ending to your very touching write..

my trembling fingers
manage to drool
a hollow smile
with your borrowed pen
signing off my rhyme with
"just for you, my Love"

S

You have received some heart felt advice. I would recommend delaying edit for a few days. Let it sit a while and return with fresh eyes. Heck, I'm always going back to even earliest writes and finding improvements.............stan

S

I see your point. I will drift my attention somewhere else for sometime and come back on it later. It will be better for the poem.

Thanks and regards
Sam.