Entity of the night
Make thy self be known
Are you from the underworld
Or of human
Flesh and bone
Phantom of the dark
What is it you seek
To prey upon a living soul
Or another’s life
To store in your keep
Weaving dreams of
Shadowed lies
Guiding the hands that write
Of love and tombs and
Flowers left to die
There's a calm before the storm
You are here to do me harm
Try as you might
It will all be in vain
Yet I know that I will
Weather the pain
Be gone! Before the morning breaks
Return from whence
You came
Or face the world in which
I live
Which would be
A grave mistake
Comments
Chrys
I love this, tempo is good, until stanza four then it picks up again. It felt like a hitch in the road.
The last stanza maybe this,
" get away for your own sake"
Or something like that, just trying to follow the word "breaks"- sake
I do like that fact that your say you maybe dark an evil, but it would be he'll to pay if you mess with me
Eddie C.
Chrys
The fourth stanza seem wordie, it does not hold the flow of the former or latter stanzas.
Hitch in the road- a place in the road that is not smooth but bumpy.
For me the fourth stanza is a "hitch in the road"
Eddie C.
Chrys
I like this one;
"There's a calm
Before the storm
You are here
To do me harm
Try as you might
It will all be in vein
But I know that I
Can weather the pain"
But it's your poem so it's your choice
Thanks for asking
Eddie C.
did u mean
vain
and not vein
two different entities
sorry
for opening my mind
hi
Sorry for late arrival. I enjoyed this very much as is. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't give some alternatives lol
s-1,l-3 I would have used of instead of from, I think it being quickly used again would do no harm
s-2,l-5 try : to store in your keep. As it is now could be read as to save a life
s-4,l-1 and 2 try:
Are you here to do harm
or warn to lightly tread
just a few ideas................stan
Chrys
A great editing job!
Eddie C.
Dear Chrys,
I hope you will forgive my tardiness upon coming to this vivid write so late. There are no suggestions left to be made! I must say that the whole piece gave me chills to read! especially:
Weaving dreams of
Shadowed lies
Guiding the hands that write
Of love and tombs and
Flowers left to die
Burrr... need I say more?
I have no suggestions, just appreciation for the work. Great title and the flow is perfect! You do surpass me on the dark write.
love, Cat