Long time lived
High gravity days
pass so slowly
in a grey haze,
days never-ending
mean, I guess,
my life is subjectively
extended.
I must confess
it feels I've been around
for a thousand years
more or less.
It ain’t all bad
in dark extended times
not even sad
I do my FIGJAM dance,
now and then,
for the nature of me is
irrepressible.
So maybe when
I meet my young man’s death
I won’t lament,
A life misspent,
but glory in its joy.
unrepentant
I am the friend that lived
despite all odds,
fast drunken driving,
dangerous drugs,
smart-arse words in bad company.
thriving on extremity.
direst times often
seemed like a good idea
after the fact.
I didn’t deserve to live,
but did.
Others slipped away so easily.
I will never understand.
and don't need to
know why.
Comments
Ok I will say straight up I
Ok I will say straight up I didn't like the exxxxtttended bits...I know there is poetic licence with dirty pretty (which makes no sense to me at all lol ) but I don't think in a poem this strong in its narrative style that you need any gimmicks. Just my personal preference, as it's your poem, I'd like to hear why you chose to do it, sometimes that gives better understanding. But it's a strong write, let it stand on its feet . I perhaps too would remove 'but I did' after 'I didn't deserve to live' to just the basic statement 'I did' as I think it's stronger and the small filler words if you can avoid them it's better to keep them to a minimum..but to me that's about all I can see. Nice job.
Chez
(((hugs))) [sorry if I cross a boundary]
this is precisely the sort of brave, generous crit I want. Yes, I do very much need to pare down the filler words especially, and will. Eisenstein said of film, and it is even more true of poetry, that it requires "ruthless elimination of the inessential"
The extended "iirreeepprrresssibbble" is a reference to the '70s Japanese TV show "Monkey" (Monkey Magic"? Do you know it?) If the reader doesn't get the reference the extension is wasted. So I guess I might as well either lose it, or use it more to make it a device in its own right. I think I can guess what you would think of that.
Thanks,
omg I loved that show!
Now see you're talking my era lol I loved Monkey and now you've said it, yes it works but for the broader community I doubt they would pick up on the relevance of it. God I didn't think I'd find another Aussie who even knew that show lol most I speak to about it they all look at me as if I am slightly insane but then again I've always believed normal was boring lol it's why I read Nietzsche :P
and that which does not destroy me...
[grins]
yep, Freddie Nietzsche spake thusly
"Regard acts of nihilist terrorism!"
*grins back....oh yeah I am
*grins back....oh yeah I am going to like it around here :)
Smart,
Smart arsed words in hostile company, been there bu loved the way you put it.. Enjoying reading the interactive discussion you and CC's having over that programme. Some of my mates raved about it, me i'm afraid it did not touch. But it's a great poem well written. Regards Roscoe...
ta mate
but terribly sad to inform you, if you did not love "Monkey" you can not possibly be a poet.
I'm sure Freddie Neecher would have loved it.
To busy,
To busy in that era to be monkeying about, to intent on gathering lifes experiences to sit still for a series on TV. I will just have to live with what i am, which is here for a short time on this earth. Regards Roscoe..he. he
I am enjoying the revisions
I am enjoying the revisions of this and had to chuckle at FIGJAM...again it's the Aussie in me lol
thanks chez, really glad you noticed
the new ending is much closer to my philosophies.
some paring done.
Anything more, perhaps radically, you could point to?
ta
I think
Ian, I have a serious request for you.
You comments are written without punctuation and in poor grammar. Take a little time. We are all wordcrafters and you could make your comments less stream-of-consciousness and much more lucid.
this is very powerful jess
it is one of the best i have read of yours i think
- unless it is something i really relate to - don't know...
but what ever, it moved something inside me as i read it...
the only crit i have is the punctuation
- all or none is needed - not some....
love judy
oh yes, quite right.
The punctuation was very lazy. I'll do a quick fix now, but tell me if there is any more I've missed. I tend not to pay much attention to it.
thanks so much Shirley.
I am prevaricating about "ain't". I wanted some colloquial to indicate the spectrum of my experience, but the alone is not enough. It either needs to go or to have more of it. Well spotted!
And good critique!
Though I am not a meat and
Though I am not a meat and potatoes kinda woman, i like my poems to have some substance.
This does, Seren was spot on when she suggested you to pare it down.
Leave only the fleshed-out parts.
~Anna
Was this an improvement?
Or is severe editing required?
Ah Lonnie,
that's the nicest thing you've said to me in ages.
I am truly here because I am not all here, yes it applies to both of us in so many ways. A poet needs to have a firm grasp of life, and at the same time be able to stand outside it and observe. The way our different lives have lead to it are completely different, yet we have achieved the ability to reconcile the paradox. Never forget that I respect you.
Consider Rett and I who fight tooth and dog, with respect, while you and I suspect have a more gentle understanding.
I think the warriors of old,
I think the warriors of old, such as the knights and samurai were mortal enemies as they owed allegiances to different kings and/or emperors were always respectful of one another's *station*
as it were.
Wherever we come from, our backgrounds and our personal idiosyncracies/beliefs, we are poets/writers first. No matter how famous or infamous ;-) that itself should put us on the same path if not the same destination.
About the poem, Jess... i'll be backkkkk.
~A
worry not
Only the good die young. Guess you and I are doomed to live a looooong time ....................stan
Saw meself...
in the words you wrote, and the feelings you expressed. Still not done living, just doing it less expensively. ~ Gee