Barbara Writes

May 11, 2011

This poem is part of the workshop:

Splash Pool (initial workshop)

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Description:

Workshop for beginners. Here new poets and those just beginning to learn poetry can interact with each other and receive light feedback and ideas from each other and from the Moderators/Leaders. Main purpose of workshop is to help the attendees improve their own poetry and helping them with offering critique.

Eddie (Eduardo Cruz) (Leader)
Louise (lou) (moderator)
Barbara (Barbara Writes) (Moderator)
Peter (whitescatter) (Moderator)
Stan (scribbler) (Co-Leader)

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WORKSHOP - Critique Skills:

Workshop commences - 16 May 2011.

To apply you must Private Message: Eddie Cruz

Once you're accepted, you are required to attend, although please let me know if there are exceptional circumstances that prevent you from attending. If there is a problem with computer time, please contact: Eddie Cruz or Hooded Stranger (Dan)

If the workshop is full for those 14 days your name will be held for the next workshop
You will be contacted by Eddie Cruz or by one of the moderators when the next workshop begins.
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Workshop Description:
To learn the process on how to critique poetry for beginners.
Skills to be learned:
Content
Style; Freeform, Western classic, and Haiku’s
Recognizing if logic is carried through the poem.
Spelling and grammar in critiques will be subject to correction.

Participants: not more than 10
All participants must enter a rough draft poem.
One poem at a time will be critiqued and we will move to the next poem, once we are satisfied with the results or while we wait on an edit.
Participants must write a critique, to the best of their knowledge and skill and explain why the poem works or not, and explain what it is they see in the poem or what they would like to see.
The writer of the poem will have a chance to explain why it was written that way. This is not a debate workshop, it’s a learning workshop so please no personal attacks. You must adhere to Neopoet regulations.
Please keep in mind we only have 14 days. Hopefully we will get to cover all 10 poems. The idea is to learn how to look at a poem and to offer constructive critique.

This workshop is closed.

“Drugs”

Drugs can aid the ailing
And injure the consumer
Lacking in judgment

It hurts those using to amusing
Making folks yearning for highs
Remains unhealthy and unwise

Those entertaining
In place of sickness and ailments
Yield to deflate influences
Turns souls to evil

Destroying lives and minds

Various ones damaged by deceit
Others remain in Sheol
Waiting for renewed
Opportunities in life

May the spirit go back to God
The amusing drugs can overcome

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Mona I posted your revised it sounds really good to me thanks for the help.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Billy Collins

Comments

Interesting

I don't understand half the words in your comment. lol

Wrong Xena,

remember your poem trying to turn kids of drugs? They all saw the ignorance and probably interested them.

Ooops, I got the "gong"

I withdraw "crappy", that was uncalled for. Yet I do feel your poem would have had the reverse effect on its target audience.

i know

teenagers are smarter than you think

A moralist poem, Barbara.

and it won't do any good.

Sorry, but one of your worst.

thanks for the comments

Kal, Rosina, and Jess

A person who has never done drugs ever of any kind or even fully understand why people do it to the extent they do should not write poetry about drugs. Sorry.
Jess you seem to understand what I trying to say could you rewrite a suggestion for me. would appreciate it if you did.

Honesty is better than silence any day.

Barbara, what drugs have you done?

Believe me, kids know when you are you are lying and you will do more harm than good.

Write what you know.

Read my new comment up top

I appreciate your honesty it is soothing. I choose never to do more h arm than good. thanks for being kind about it.

interesting controversy

i shall never write another poem about drugs or anything I haven,t experience to deter the unhealthy habit lol.
if i write about never having been on drugs and what a blessing it has been for me would be ludicrous and certainly would do any good lol.

Drugs

Being an old-fashioned character, educated in the Scots system, I cannot enjoy reading when the grammar (and grampa) needs amended. So "injury" should be injure, "yields" yield, "destroy" destroys. The lack of punctuation is perhaps deliberate?
For such an important subject, I feel that the poem lacks impact, although it is obviously written with the best intentions, no matter what that Scouse Git might say.
Kindest Regards
Ian
PS Why not try Gilbert and Sullivan?
Some drugs can be medicinal
Though when they've been divisible
And cut with any product close to hand
They hurt smackheads as high as kites
Who choke consuming munchy bites
And wreck their houses all over the land

Barbara

May I have the liberty to critique this poem of yours. Let me know what you think of what I did and hopefully if it does not take anything away of your message in this write.

Drugs can aid the ailing
And injure the consumer
Lacking in judgment

It hurts those using to amusing
Making folks yearning for highs
Remains unhealthy and unwise

Those entertaining
In place of sickness and ailments
Yield to deflate influences
Turns souls to evil

Destroying lives and minds

Various ones damaged by deceit
Others remain in Sheol
Waiting for renewed
Opportunities in life

May the spirit go back to God
The amusing drugs can overcome

All the other comments in here but a few had nothing to do with your poem may I add.

Folks need to critique the poem and not the person or other persons.

Think before you write and stick to Barbara's poem. That is what the workshop is for and not to get into commentary with others about what they wrote or to make innuendos. Sorry I could not help to read some of the responses in here. I usually do not read any of them until after I have made my own concerted remarks and suggests. It is your write gal and let me just add this please.

On a personal note we lost a cousin at the young age of 25 years old to recreational drugs. It was a horrible thing and the most saddest thing to happen in our family. Not only him, but I have seen many others die at the hands of drug addictions. It is an epidemic in our country and is sad to say the least. I miss our Adam and if he would of gotten the help he truly needed maybe he would be here with us today. The drugs took his life and he is missed terribly.

Thank you for allowing me to critique this poem. Let me know if I misinterpreted anything here.

Love to you gal
Mona

thanks for all the help

I appreciate you Mona for the critique. the meaning was not lost
thanks Ian appreciate it much

Never

the meaning behind this poem..it hit me hard and I think you are spot on with it. It is of concern in this day and age and I am blessed with my son drug free as I have nailed him and talked with him so much about it. There is so much sadness in drugs and in alchohol I could write a book also on it. Thanks for this write and you are doing great Barb. Keep on keepin on gal

Love to you and the family
Mona

Oceans Apart

A rather mysterious poem, I was expecting some reason for the poet to have been left on her own. The story was interesting , probably because of the untold event.
Logic would indicate a change of tense in the first stanza, perhaps like,
"I think of the life we'd planned ahead"
As I had a minor. nit-picking problem with standing on a cliff tossing stones into the sea which would skim. Perhaps a change to "From the beach my flung stone skims the sea" or "At water's edge I throw a stone
It skims the surface in a tiny wave."
All my suggestions are minor , this is a talented piece of work Rosie

Ian